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Post by xpUNI.com on Aug 28, 2014 12:42:37 GMT
NVC Brief Introduction Transcript
I started from the question of how come some people enjoy other people's suffering and then how come other people from the same society are just the opposite they get their joy not in believing that there's bad people that need to be punished, but they get their joy in contributing to people's well being.
The first thing I'll suggest is that you can't teach anybody anything, and to have that as an objective is itself creates problems, so lets change the objective, let's never try to teach anybody anything or to change anybody, if that's your objective you'll create resistance.
Saying what we don't want doesn't make clear what we do want. But worse than that if we frame our objectives in getting rid of something it leads to violence very often. It makes violence seem attractive when we try to get rid of something.
Behind every feeling there is a need. When she hears your needs without hearing any criticism or demands, and you hear her needs without any criticism or demands, the solution will find you, the conflict will resolve itself. It does need to be resolved, but what most of us do, we skip this, and go right to here.
Needs contain no reference to specific ways of getting the needs met. Those are preferences or strategies or requests. So we make a big difference between needs, and between preferences, requests, strategies.
All needs are universal. Every human being in the world has the same needs.
I'm not doing it for money, I'm not doing it to get a positive report card, I'm doing it cause something that has increased joy in my life, it's joyful to share it with others. It's a fun game, it's the most fun game I've ever found, contributing to peoples well being. I'm really confident it's the most fulfilling game we human beings will ever find.
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French Translation:
J´ai commencé par me demander pourquoi certains prennent du plaisir à voir les autres souffrir alors qu' au sein de la même société il existe des personnes qui pensent le contraire. Elles ne prennent pas de plaisir dans le fait de penser qu´il existe des mauvaises personnes qui doivent être punies, mais préfèrent contribuer au bien-être des autres. Tout d´abord je pense que l´on ne peut donner de lessons à persone et que cet objectif en-soi crée des problèmes. Alors essayons de changer notre objectif, essayons de ne jamais donner de lessons à persone ou changer l´autre, cela ne fait qu’engendrer de la résistance. Expliquer ce que l´on ne veut pas, ne montre pas ce que l´on veut. Mais pire encore, le seul fait de vouloir nous défaire de quelque chose, engendre très souvent une forme de violence. Car lorsque l´on veut se débarrasser de quelque chose, la violence devient attrayante. Derrière tout sentiment se cache un besoin. Quand une personne perçoit vos besoins sans aucune critique ou exigence de votre part, et que vous percevez ses besoins sans aucune critique ou exigence de sa part, la solution vient à vous, le conflit se résout tout seul. Il a besoin d´être résolu, mais nous avons tendance à sauter cette étape pour passer directement à la solution. Il n´y a auncun moyen spécifique de pourvoir à un besoin. Il s´agit-là de préférences, de stratégies ou de requêtes. Nous établissons donc une grande différence entres les besoins, les préférences, les requêtes et les stratégies. Les besoins sont universels. Tous les êtres humains ont les mêmes besoins. Je ne le fais pas pour l´argent ou pour la reconnaissance. Je le fais parce que cela m´a rendu plus heureux, et je me réjouis de pouvoir partager mes connaissances. C´est un jeu amusant, c´est le jeu le plus amusant que j´ai trouvé : contribuer au bonheur des gens. Et je suis vraiment certain que c´est le jeu le plus enrichissant qu´il existe.
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Polish Translation:
Zaczalem od pytania, dlaczego niektorzy ludzie czerpia przyjemnosc z cierpienia innych, a takze jak to jest, ze inni czlonkowie tego samego spoleczenstwa zachowuja sie inaczej, czerpiac przyjemnosc nie z przekonania, ze istnieja zli ludzie, ktorych nalezy ukarac, lecz czerpia radosc z polepszania bytu innych. Chcialbym zaczac od sugestji, ze niemozliwe jest aby nauczyc nikogo czegokolwiek, a nawet posiadanie tego za cel, moze stworzyc problemy. Zacznijmy wiec od zmiany naszego celu. Postarajmy sie nigdy nikogo nie uczyc niczego. Jesli to jest nasz cel, wywolamy opor. Mowiac, ze czegos nie chcemy, nie wyrazamy tego czego chcemy w jasny sposob. Jeszcze gorzej, definiujac nasz cel jako cos czego chcemy sie pozbyc, czesto prowadzi to do przemocy. Przemoc staje sie atrakcyjnym rozwiazaniem, gdy pragniemy czegos sie pozbyc. Podstawa kazdego uczucia jest potrzeba. Jesli ona uslyszy tylko twoje potrzeby, bez krytyki, czy wymagan, a ty uslyszysz tylko jej potrzeby, bez krytyki, czy wymagan, rozwiazanie pojawi sie samo, i konflikt tez sam dojdzie do rozwiazania. On musi byc rozwiazany, ale wiekszosc z nas pomija ten krok i przechodzi bezposrednio tutaj. Potrzeba sama w sobie nie zawiera odniesienia do sposobu, aby ja osiagnac. Te sposoby to preferencje, strategie, czy prosby. Dlatego tez, stawiamy nacisk na rozroznianie potrzeb od preferencji, prosb i strategii. Potrzeby ludzkie sa uniwersalne. Kazdy czlowiek na Swiecie ma te same potrzeby. Nie robie tego dla pieniedzy, nie robie tego dla pozytywnej oceny. Robie to, gdyz jako cos co dalo mi duzo radosci w zyciu, cieszy mnie mozliwosc dzielenia sie tym. To naprawde fajna gra, najlepsza jaka znalazlem, ktora poprawia ludzkie samopoczucie. Jestem pewien, ze ta gra da nam najwiecej spelnienia ze wszystkich ktore odkryjemy.
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1 00:00:00,350 --> 00:00:06,810 Zaczalem od pytania, dlaczego niektorzy ludzie czerpia przyjemnosc z cierpienia innych,
2 00:00:06,810 --> 00:00:12,680 a takze jak to jest, ze inni czlonkowie tego
3 00:00:12,680 --> 00:00:14,970 samego spoleczenstwa zachowuja sie inaczej,
4 00:00:14,970 --> 00:00:17,920 czerpiac przyjemnosc nie z przekonania, ze
5 00:00:17,920 --> 00:00:20,500 istnieja zli ludzie, ktorych nalezy ukarac,
6 00:00:20,500 --> 00:00:23,930 lecz czerpia radosc z polepszania bytu innych.
7 00:00:23,930 --> 00:00:26,590 Chcialbym zaczac od sugestji, ze niemozliwe jest
8 00:00:26,590 --> 00:00:29,210 aby nauczyc nikogo czegokolwiek, a nawet
9 00:00:29,210 --> 00:00:32,839 posiadanie tego za cel, moze stworzyc problemy.
10 00:00:32,839 --> 00:00:35,899 Zacznijmy wiec od zmiany naszego celu. Postarajmy
11 00:00:35,899 --> 00:00:40,600 sie nigdy nikogo nie uczyc niczego, ani ich nie zmieniac
12 00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:44,659 Jesli to jest nasz cel, wywolamy opor.
13 00:00:44,659 --> 00:00:48,949 Mowiac, ze czegos nie chcemy, nie wyrazamy tego czego
14 00:00:48,949 --> 00:00:53,210 chcemy w jasny sposob. Jeszcze gorzej, definiujac
15 00:00:53,210 --> 00:00:57,469 nasz cel jako cos czego chcemy sie pozbyc,
16 00:00:57,469 --> 00:01:01,219 czesto prowadzi to do przemocy. Przemoc staje
17 00:01:01,219 --> 00:01:04,579 sie atrakcyjnym rozwiazaniem, gdy pragniemy
18 00:01:04,579 --> 00:01:09,289 czegos sie pozbyc. Podstawa kazdego uczucia
19 00:01:09,289 --> 00:01:14,659 jest potrzeba. Jesli ona uslyszy tylko twoje potrzeby,
20 00:01:14,659 --> 00:01:20,710 bez krytyki, czy wymagan, a ty uslyszysz tylko
21 00:01:20,710 --> 00:01:24,740 jej potrzeby, bez krytyki, czy wymagan,
22 00:01:24,740 --> 00:01:30,119 rozwiazanie pojawi sie samo, i konflikt tez
23 00:01:30,119 --> 00:01:34,350 sam dojdzie do rozwiazania. On musi byc rozwiazany,
24 00:01:34,350 --> 00:01:39,390 ale wiekszosc z nas pomija ten krok i przechodzi
25 00:01:39,390 --> 00:01:41,619 bezposrednio tutaj. Potrzeby nie zawieraja
26 00:01:41,619 --> 00:01:44,740 odniesienia do sposobu, aby je osiagnac.
27 00:01:44,740 --> 00:01:47,869 Te sposoby to preferencje, strategie, czy prosby.
28 00:01:47,869 --> 00:01:50,999 Dlatego tez, stawiamy nacisk na rozroznianie
29 00:01:50,999 --> 00:01:54,130 potrzeb od preferencji, prosb i strategii.
30 00:01:54,130 --> 00:01:58,530 Potrzeby ludzkie sa uniwersalne. Kazdy czlowiek
31 00:01:58,530 --> 00:02:02,890 na Swiecie ma te same potrzeby. Nie robie tego
32 00:02:02,890 --> 00:02:07,810 dla pieniedzy, nie robie tego dla pozytywnej
33 00:02:07,810 --> 00:02:11,260 oceny. Robie to, gdyz jako cos
34 00:02:11,260 --> 00:02:14,640 co dalo mi duzo radosci w zyciu, cieszy mnie
35 00:02:14,640 --> 00:02:17,480 mozliwosc dzielenia sie tym. To naprawde fajna gra,
36 00:02:17,480 --> 00:02:19,310 najlepsza jaka znalazlem, ktora poprawia
37 00:02:19,310 --> 00:02:20,530 ludzkie samopoczucie. Jestem pewien,
38 00:02:20,530 --> 00:02:23,280 ze ta gra da nam najwiecej spelnienia ze
39 00:02:23,280 --> 00:02:24,200 wszystkich ktore odkryjemy.
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Post by Deleted on Sept 15, 2014 13:16:07 GMT
docs.google.com/document/d/19vgirawd35dKXc0JzvEjSnI7foJEc-HgDOqogmIYJ8M/edit?usp=sharingBut first let me begin by clarifying the purpose of non violent communication. Its purpose is to help you to do what you already know how to do. Now why do we need to learn something today what you already know how to do. Because, sometimes we forget to do this. We forget, because we’d been educated to forget. Now, what is it that I’m talking about that we already know how to do? The purpose of this process is to help us to connect in a way that makes natural giving possible. Natural giving possible. What do I mean by natural giving? Let me do you a song to make it clear, what I mean by natural giving. I never feel more given to, and when you take from me When you understand the joy I feel, caring for you And you know my giving isn’t done to put you in my debt But because I want to live the love I feel for you. To receive with grace, may be the greatest giving There’s no way that I can separate the two When you give to me, I give you my receiving And when you take from me, I feel so given to You all know that giving. You know how to do it. And that’s what I’m interested in. And remembering to stay with that quality of giving, moment by moment in any connection. But we also know that it’s easy to lose it. It’s easy to lose that connection, so instead of enjoying that quality of giving, that is possible in every moment in every contact we have. Inspite of how precious that is we forget. And instead of playing the game which that song is about which I call “making life wonderful”. That’s the most fun game I’ve ever heard. instead, much of the time, we play another game, called: who’s right? Have you ever played that game? <audience laughter> It’s a game where everybody loses. Isn’t this amazing that we all know of the quality of giving which the song was about. It’s possible every moment, we find that the richest thing to do, and much of our life we end up playing who’s right. Now the game of who’s right involves two of the most devious things, human beings have ever come upon: one, punishment. See, cause if you’re wrong in the game of who’s right, then you deserve to suffer. Can you imagine a more diabolical concept to educate people? So, if you haven’t already abstained from punishment, I’m sure that by the end of the day, it will no longer be a part of your consciousness. No more punishment. You won’t do it in your families, we’ll get rid of it with criminals, it just makes things more violent. We’ll find other ways to deal with other nations, besides punishment. No more punishment. No more reward. It’s the same game. It’s part of the game of who’s right. If you’re right you get rewarded, if you’re wrong, you get punished. No more. No more. It’s created enough violence on the planet. No more guilt induction. No more shame. No more concepts of duty and obligation. Just what the song is about. Natural giving. So, how did we get off target? We got off target according to Walter Wink, theologian, who writes in his book “the powers that be”, we got off target about five thousands years ago. We got off target because we started to get some wild thinking. Wild thinking that human beings are innately evil. When you believe that the human beings are innately evil then if things aren’t going as we would have liked, what’s the corrective process? The corrective process is penitence, you see. When people are evil, you think that the way to bring about change, when people are behaving in a way you don’t like is to make people hate themselves for what they’re doing. So for these political reasons and theological reasons we started to develop a language that I call jackal language. Language that cuts us off from life, and makes it very easy to be violent. In fact in that book I’d mentioned, Wink says that in domination cultures, one of the things that you have to educate people, is to make violence enjoyable. And we’ve done a good job of that. We make violence enjoyable in our culture. The two hours a night, from seven to nine, when children are watching television the most, in seventy five percent of the programmes they watch, the hero either kills somebody or beats them up. You see, so we… And when does this happen? At the climax of the programme. We’ve been educated for quite a while to make violence enjoyable. So even though I think that the song was about is what’s really closer to our nature, this natural giving, we’ve been educated to make violence enjoyable, and educated in a way we can even be violent to our children. So what is jackal language like? See, jackal language is as I’ve mentioned, is a language of moralistic judgements. You think in terms of who’s right, who’s wrong, who’s good, who’s bad. And when you mention change, yes, we want change at times. So how do you get change in the jackal system? Watch a parent bring about change in a child. This is a parent teaching a child one of the most important words in jackal. Say you’re sorry. I’m sorry. You’re not really sorry, I can see it, you’re not really sorry. <crying> I am sorry. OK, I forgive you. Can you imagine a game like that? Can you imagine a parent responding to a child that way? And if a parent is going to do that to a child in their own family, what are they going to do to people in other cultures, that are behaving in a way they don’t appreciate? So, of course you are going to have violence wherever you have this kind of thinking. In cultures that do not have this kind of thinking, you don’t see violence. So, that’s how we got off target. Even though we could play the game “make life wonderful” in each moment, we have been educated for quite a while, to play another game, “who’s right”. So, what are the parts of this game of who’s right? I’ve just mentioned one of them. One part is moralistic judgements. Learning to go up to our head, and think basically in terms of right and wrong. Good and bad. Normal, abnormal. I learned this game very well, I speak several dialects of jackal. I grew up in Detroit. We spoke a rather harsh dialect of jackal, we might call it Detroit jackal. For example, if I’m out driving, and someone is driving in a way that I don’t like, and again I want to install change, you see. I roll down the window. Idiot! <laughter> Now theoretically the person is supposed to repent. <laughter> I confess, I was wrong sir, I will change the err of my ways. It’s a great theory, it didn’t work. I’ve tried it more than once, it doesn’t work. So I thought maybe it was that this particular dialect of jackal, so I decided to get more cultured use of jackal, so I went into the university and got a doctor’s degree in professional jackal. <laughter> Now, when I see someone driving in a way I don’t like, I roll down the window. Psychopath! <laughter> Still doesn’t work. There’s another part of this language of jackal, amtssprache. That’s very important, you see, a language that denies choice. Denies responsibility for our actions. I use the word amtssprache for this part, having read an interview with the natzi war criminal, Adolf Eichmann. At his trial for war crimes in Jerusalem, Eichmann was asked: was it hard to send tens of thousands of people to their death? And Eichmann answered candidly: to tell you the truth, it was easy. Our language made it easy. That answer shocked his interviewer. And his interviewer said: what language? Eichmann said: in fact, my fellow natzi officers and I, we had our own name for our language. We called it amtssprache. Amt in German means office, and sprache, language, I call that bureaucratic language. He was asked for some examples. Eichmann said: It’s a language in which you deny responsibility for your actions, so, if somebody asked you why you did it, you say: I had to. Then you don’t feel so bad if you had to do it, you are not responsible. But why did you have to jackal? Superior’s orders, company policy, they made me do it. I couldn’t do elsewise. Very dangerous language, amtssprache. Very dangerous. We have giraffe schools. I use the word giraffe, you see as a symbol for nonviolence. We’ll see today that the language we’re going to study is the language of the heart, and so I use giraffe language for that, because giraffes have the largest heart of any land animal. Giraffe requires always being conscious of choice. We never do anything that we don't choose to do. But I was teaching giraffe to a group of parents and teachers in one community. And we have giraffe schools throughout the world. We have five in Israel, four in Palestine, some in Serbia, and so forth. And in giraffe schools of course we want to make sure that certainly that the teachers and parents never use amtssprache. One of the most dangerous languages in the world, to teach a child - you have to do something. So I was saying this one time in St Louis, Missouri, to a group of parents and teachers. A mother got very upset; she said: "but there are things you have to do, whether you like to do it or not! It’s our job as parents to teach our children what they have to do! I mean there’s things I do every day that I hate to do, but there just are some things you have to do!” Well, I said, could you give me an example? She said, “well, easy, there’s so many. Let me think. OK, like, when I leave here tonight, I have to go home and cook. I hate to cook. I hate it with a passion, but I’ve done it every day for twenty years. Even when I’ve been sick.” Well, I said, I’d be very happy today to show you another way of thinking. Another language, that I hope would open up happier possibilities for you. Well, I’m pleased to report, she was a rapid giraffe student. She went home that very evening, and announced to her family that she no longer wanted to cook. I got some feedback from her family. Feedback came two weeks later, when I swung through that city again and was doing an evening workshop. And who shows up, her two older sons. She had four sons. They came up at the beginning to introduce themselves. I said, hey, I’m glad you guys came up here, I had been very curious what’s going on in your family. Your mother’s been calling me regularly, telling me about all the changes she made in her life since the training. Like, what happened that first night when she came home and announced, that she no longer wanted to cook? The older son said to me: Marshall, I said to myself, thank God! I said, help me understand that one. He said, I said to myself, now maybe she won’t complain at every meal, you see. You see, natural giving, what I started the day off with that song. Anything we do in life that isn’t coming out of that energy, we pay for it, and everybody else pays for it. Anything that we do out of fear of punishment if we don’t, everybody pays for it. Anything we do for a reward, everybody pays for it. Everything we do to make people like us, everybody pays for it. Everything we do out of guilt, shame, duty, obligation, everybody pays for it. That isn’t what we were designed for. We were designed to enjoy giving. To give from the heart. Marshall, I’m over here. My son brought me to one of your seminars, and I met you some ten years ago, in Oakland. Now I’m trying to bring my son back. I’m here and he said last night, when I told him I was coming here, he said: well why don’t you go ahead and have a couple of appointments, maybe you could teach me something. So, I thought I would come to learn something, maybe I can teach him. But I’d like to teach him, and I don’t know how to do that. I’d like to teach him to at least give me the time of day to communicate with him. He doesn’t do that willingly. When I try to demand it, it becomes worse. Yes. So, how do I do that? well, we’re gonna… That would be a good situation to work on today, cause I’m gonna ask everyone to think of a situation right now, where somebody’s behaving in a way you don’t like, so in this case it’s your son who when you ask him to communicate he says no. The first thing I suggest is you can’t teach anybody anything. That’s right. And to have that as an objective is itself to create problems, so lets change the objective. Let’s never try to teach anybody anything, or to change anybody. If that’s your objective, you’ll create resistance. So that will be my first suggestion today. Never try to teach anybody anything or to change anybody. That clear? Yeah. OK. So, what do you do then, give up? No, hold on, hold on. See this is the thinking that’s been shaped in us by jackal, see, the game of who’s right, win, lose. So then, if we can’t change and win, then the option we think of is to be a chump and lose, you see. We’d been educated to think in those two ways, win, lose. Right, wrong. No, I’ll show you a way, another option. OK, let’s get into it. Let’s give you a chance to practice it. Some of you’ve already thought of a situation, such as somebody you want very much to communicate with, and they say no. So. Think of somebody at the moment, who is behaving in a way that is not making life wonderful for you, and you’d like to get to the place, what the song was about. Where everybody’s needs can get met, and people are giving to one another from the heart, willingly. Not out of coercion you see. Let see if we can show you a process to get there in this situation. To get everybody’s needs met, and where people give willingly, not out of any coercion. So, maybe you were living at home, maybe you choose today to work on a child that you were living with at home, who says horrible, horrible jackal things such as “no”. Oh, you laugh, you tried living with one for a while. Please brush your teeth. No! Maybe you were living at home with a jackal speaking partner, who says horrible jackal things such as: That hurts me when you say that. We’ll see today that it’s a violent act to say others make you feel as you do. To imply that others can make you feel hurt, or angry. Maybe at work somebody’s behaving in a way you don’t like. They come late. They’re not producing as well as you would like. Maybe your next door neighbour has been sexually molesting children. Whoever you want to pick. Somebody’s been behaving in a way you don’t like. And you’d like to see how we would arrive at the objective of creating the quality of connection that would get everybody’s needs met through natural giving. That’s our objective. OK. Now, open up your materials to the last page, second to the last page. At the top it says, expressing how we are and what we would like. And it says under A, think of someone, who does something that makes life less than wonderful for you. So this person that I’m asking you to think about who’s presently behaving in a way, you’re not crazy about. And what I’d like you to do is answer this question; write here one thing that the person does, that you don’t like. We’re gonna work on one specific action, that the person does that you don’t like. To get you familiar with the process today. Maybe the person does several things, but we’re gonna show you how the process works by showing you how to communicate with the person about one specific thing they do. So wright under A one thing this person does, that you don’t like. Now, when I was here in San Francisco working with the school system back in the seventies, the superintendent of the school asked me to go into an elementary school. He said the parents are complaining about the quality of the relationship between the teachers and the administrator, they said the tension in the school is so great that the parents want to take their children out of the school. So he asked if I would go in and see if I could open up better communication between the staff and the administrator. The plan was I would meet first with the teachers and then get the teachers and the administrator together. My meeting with the teachers I started with the question, that I just asked you. I said to the teachers, can you tell me one thing, that the administrator does, that makes it hard for you to work with him. I was asking for an observation, a concrete behaviour. What is one thing he does. The first teacher to respond said this: He has a big mouth. Now can you see the difference between the question I asked and the answer I got. I did not ask, what size mouth does the principal have? So this teacher was giving me an evaluation, an analysis that implies wrongness, you see. We’d been so trained to think that way, that sometimes we can’t separate fact and opinion. All we see is our enemy image. Whether it’s an individual or a nation, we had been trained to think in enemy images. Wrongness. It obscures reality. We don’t see the behaviour. We just see our enemy image. In his book, Out of weakness, Andrew Shmookler says, that when cultures are taught to think this way, not to just see the person, but an image, a judgement they’ve made, bombs are never far away. So I pointed this out to the gentleman that this was not an answer to my question. I wanted to know one thing that the principle did. This man was stuck, he just couldn’t get it. A woman sitting next to him tried to help, she said: well I know what he’s referring to. I said, OK, help him out, what’s one thing that the principal does? He talks too much. No, too much, is a judgement, I asked for an observation, not a judgement. See, this is how jackal speaking people think. They really had been brought up to think there is such a thing as a just right amount of everything. Stopped at 24:15 And too much and too little, and that they know what it is. So they think that way. Doesn’t make resolving conflicts too easy with them, when people have an idea that there’s a right and a too much and too little, and they know what it is. And especially when they mix it up with an observation. I was just asking what does the person do and again for the second time, this person couldn’t see the behaviour separate from the judgement. A third person tried to help. Well I know what they’re talking about. OK what? He thinks he’s the only one that has anything worth saying. No telling me what you think he thinks. It is an evaluation you’re making of what you think is going on in his head? I was asking for what does he do? A fourth woman said: he wants to be the centre of attention all the time. I said, now you’re giving me a judgement or a diagnosis of his motives. Even if it’s accurate, it’s a diagnosis of his motives, it’s not an observable behaviour. My question was: what does he do? Now the entire faculty sits there quiet. Nobody can answer the question. And one of the women said to me: boy Marshall, that’s hard to do. Yes, in fact the philosopher, Krishnamurti says: to observe without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence. So those of us who have been taught to think in these enemy images. Immediately to think: right, wrong, good, bad, normal, abnormal, appropriate, inappropriate, too this, too that, we can’t see reality. All we see is our enemy images. Well with great help, with great effort on my part, I finally got them to get rid of the images and answer this simple question: what does he do? There was several things, but the one that they wanted particularly to start working with him on was this: that during their once a week faculty meetings, regardless of what was on the agenda, he would relate it to a war experience or a childhood experience and the average meeting lasted twenty minutes longer than it was scheduled. OK, that answered my question of what he did. He talked about war experiences, childhood experiences, rather than sticking to the agenda. I said, have you called that to his attention? Well, we can see now that when we tried to talk to him about it, these other judgements get mixed in and he gets defensive. So they thought it would be a good idea to talk to him about it, but they asked if I would be at the meeting just in case. So I attended their next staff meeting and I saw rather quickly what they were talking about. Because almost as soon as an issue came up, the principal would say: oh, that reminds me of a time, and he would start to tell a story. And I was waiting for somebody to confront him on this in giraffe, but instead of that there was a lot of non verbal jackaling going on. People were going like this, rolling their eyes, poking the person next to them, yawning, looking at their watches, holding the watches up to the ear. And I watched this scenario going on for a while and I said: excuse me, but, isn’t somebody going to say something? Now there’s a silence, and the man who spoke up in our first meeting, I could just see him getting his courage up. He looks at the principal and says: Ed, you have a big mouth. So, let’s see if whether what you wrote down answered the question I asked: is it an observable behaviour, or did you mix in any evaluation, and my two friends here will help us to make this evaluation. This animal has been taught, somewhat like a police dog to sniff out narcotics. if there is any jackal mixed in, he will howl. If you answered the question, this animal will dance. So sir, what did you write down? My dad blames my wife… howl! ...for my choices. He does what? My dad blames my wife, for my choices. Yes, blames is a judgement. That’s already putting evaluation to it. Dad, do you see yourself as blaming? No, I see myself as calling attention to the facts. So see, dad doesn’t see that as blaming. No, I’m educating. Thank you dad. Yes, OK. So, how do we say it. See, we need a direct quote. To make it an observable behaviour, we need to say: my father says, what? All of his problems… You are responsible for all of his problems. He says this to the wife: You are responsible for all of his problems. That’s it. OK. That’s a direct quote. That’s what he says. That’s giraffe language, you made a direct quote. OK. See, as soon as you see, have the word blame in your consciousness, it’s going to change the whole energy with which you approach the person. Because you’re basically making a judgement of them as blaming you. Which everybody knows is wrong. Yes. I have the mike. Lately my son is not doing his history homework. finished at 29.58 started at 59.59 But now, that word love is so important, that we got to get real clear what we mean about it when we use it as giraffe. Watch what happens when a giraffe and a jackal get together on this love, see. Watch this jackal ask a very dangerous question. But notice that the giraffe is too smart ever to answer this question, watch. Do you love me? Jackal, before I can answer your question honestly, I need to get some important things clear. Are you using the word love as a feeling? Well, of course. OK, well I needed to get that clear, so you mean, am I feeling certain warm, cuddly, tender feelings toward you? Yes. OK, I needed to get this clear, because we giraffes do not use the word love as a feeling. It’s much too important to us to get it confused with a feeling. It’s a need for us. But since you use it as a feeling, OK, I’m glad to know that, so would you please then, now that I know that, would you ask the question again? Do you love me? When? When?? Well, I want to be honest. I can see how important this is to you, but how can I be honest with you about what I feel toward you without reference to a specific moment? Feelings change every few seconds. Life is changing. Feelings are part of life, so I’d have to know a specific time and place to ever answer your question of how I feel. What about right now? No, but try me again in a few moments. So you see, to a giraffe, love is a need and it’s a need for which we must be very clear about what requests do we have of other people to meet that need. Now, watch again, what happens with reference to that word if we are in a love relationship with a jackal. I want you to love me. So you have a need for love, jackal, and you’re giving me the honour of wanting me to meet that need? Yes. I really see how important the need of love is, so I want to be clear, what you would like from me to meet your need. Could you tell me, what you are requesting of me to meet your need? Now the poor jackals, they don’t live in the moment, you see. And to make a clear request, you have to live now, you have to be clear what you want. So watch how the jackal handles this. Could you tell me what you want me to do to meet your need for love? Oh, you know. I’m not sure I do. I really see how important this need is for you, so can you tell me specifically what you would like me to do to meet your need for love. Well, it’s hard to say in so many words. If it’s hard for you to say jackal, can you see how hard it will be for me to do? I never thought of that. So what would you like me to do to meet your need for love? It’s embarrassing to get clear. Yes, it is, because much of our oppression in close relationships comes from saying to people I want you to respect me, I want you to love me, I want you to understand me without our being real clear about what we want when we say that. So what are you wanting jackal when you say you want me to love you? I want you to guess what I want before I even know what it is. And I want you always be willing to do it. Thank you for defining it that way jackal. Would you please find someone else to meet your need for love. Most jackals that carry that definition of love around with them find out how impossible it is to meet on about their fifth divorce. See, they keep thinking that they are going to find the right person to love them, not realising the problem is how they are defining love, and what they want from other people to meet their need for love. To see that it’s impossible to meet that need. Which brings us to the next step in the process. How to make clear requests after we have expressed our unmet need. And a clear request defined in giraffe, first is a positive action. We say what we do want, not what we don’t want. So a woman gave me a very good example of what happens when you say what you don’t want. In a workshop she said, you really helped me understand what happened recently Marshall. I said to my husband: I don’t want you spending so much time at work. And then I got furious with him, when he signed up for a golf tournament. A teacher gave me a similar example, she said, just yesterday Marshall, I said to this young boy: please, I don’t want you tapping you on your book while I’m talking. He started to tap on his desk. Saying what we don’t want doesn’t make clear what we do want. But worse than that, if we frame our objectives in getting rid of something, it leads to violence very often. It makes violence seem attractive when we try to get rid of something. For example, I was working with some teachers in a school in Rockford, Illinois. Their observable behaviour they wanted to work on, is on average, every three months, thirty eight broken windows in the school. So we got down to the request, I said: what do you want different from the students? It’s obvious, we don’t want them breaking windows. So you don’t want the children breaking windows? Yes, what should we do? Kill them. Research has demonstrated, dead children break no windows. Almost any time we think of what we want to get rid of it makes violence look attractive and as stupid as that example was I just gave you, look in a newspaper on any given day and see how many world leaders are saying we’re going to teach them not to, we’re going to get them to stop. And they think violence is going to… See it always makes violence seem attractive. It’s only as I said earlier, when we get two questions clear, what do we want people to do? And what do we want their reasons to be for doing it? Then I think we’ll see, violence never works. OK, so we want to say, what we want to say in the positive. What do we want the other person to do. What we want them to start doing differently. And second, that it needs to be clear action language. We can’t do what this one wife did with her husband who came to a workshop with him. She said: I want you to listen to me when I talk. He said: I do listen. No, you don’t. Yes, I do. No, you don’t. They told me they’d had the same conversation for eleven years. The problem is with the word listen. What does that? We can use the word listen as a need. I have a need to be listened to. But when we move to requests, we need to speak action language. What specific actions do we want this person to take? We can’t use the verb“to be”. I want you to be more friendly. Not doable. We can’t use feeling language. I want you to feel confidence in yourself. That’s not doable. So we need to be able to make very concrete requests. Try it out with what’s under “D” there. In relation to what the other person did and your feelings, and needs, and in relation to the action, imagine you’re talking directly to the person, and express a request using this form: I would like you to….. What do you want the person to do to meet your needs. I want you to obey my instructions. Let’s use the words: I want you to do, what I told you to do. I want you to do what I told you to do. And if you were a giraffe, you would give that to the person with a little card that said: but please, do as I requested only if you can do so with the joy of a little child feeding a hungry duck. Please do not do as I request if there is any fear of punishment motivating you. Please do not do as I request, out a hope for a reward, or that I will like you if you do. Please do not do as I request out of guilt, shame, duty, obligation. Life is too short to do anything for anybody out of that. So, what I’m getting at is, when we do make a request, we wanted to be sure that the person trusts that it’s a request and not a demand. So, we’ll come back to that, but let’s just work on the clarity of that request to begin with. Yes, so what is your request? I would like you to do what was agreed upon. Give me the space to complete my thoughts. Too vague, give me the space. Let me complete… Let me is not doable. Let me show you what I mean. A woman said to her husband came to a workshop. I want you to give me the freedom to be myself. He says, I do. No, you don’t. I said, hold it, hold it. Give me the freedom is not doable. Let me? No, that’s not doable. Allow me? No, that’s not doable. What do you want from him when you say: give you the freedom to be yourself? It’s embarrassing, yes. What, say it? Well, it’s embarrassing. Say it out loud. What do you want when you say all of that? I want him to smile and say it’s OK, no matter what I do. OK, now you’re honest. You see, so what do you want? I want to express myself. Yes, you can do that. Nobody can stop you from expressing yourself. Well, I’m getting interrupted. You want the other person to wait until you finish speaking. Yes. Before starting. Yes. OK, that’s a doable action. So, how do we know? You can only tell if it’s a request or a demand from how I treat you if you don’t do it. That’s what tells people we are making requests or demands. What is their memory of how we act, when we don’t get what we want. If people have in their memory any punishment on our part in the past when they don’t do what we want, any blame, it will now be hard for them to trust that we’re making a request, and not a demand. It will take the joy out of giving to us. So let’s follow that example a little bit more for me to show you what I mean. So, I say to you, I’m really lonely this evening and have a need for some company. Would you be willing to spend the evening with me? And you say: Marshall, I’m really preoccupied with some things at work and would really need some space to myself this evening. Could you find someone else to be with you this evening? And here’s my reaction…… Two days later….. You. What’s the matter? Nothing. You, come on, what’s the matter? You knew how lonely I was? If you love me? Now, is it a request or a demand? So, we can’t tell from how nicely it’s asked. We need to see, how the person treats us, when we don’t do what they want. That’s when we trust that they make requests and not demands. So, we are going to pay, for every time in the past, when we used any coercive means to get what we wanted. So now at least we don’t want to pay for it anymore. We want to be sure, that whenever we make a request, it is a request. Now, that doesn’t mean that the other person will trust it, even if it is, because unfortunately, there’s been so much coercion in our world, that even if we are making a sincere request, the other person might hear a demand. I was working in one school system with a group of students at a school district labeled as socially, and emotionally maladjusted. Now, from what you’ve learned today, was that a jackal school system, or a giraffe school system? Yes. It sounds like in your example, that the person was really disappointed. Really let down. Not let down. That’s a diagnosis. They’re really disappointed, really hurt. OK. So, how could they have expressed that, without it being a demand, but not suppressing the fact that they are really disappointed. They could say: so you have a lot to do right now, and that it would really meet your need to be by yourself. Yeah. And, the kind of mood I’m in right now, I really trust that you would meet it better than anybody else I know. Is there some way that we could find to get your work done and still meet my need for connection tonight? That’s what we call dogging for our needs. That shows respect for the other person’s needs. I’m not trying to use any guilt or manipulation, right. I’m just trying now to find a way to get everybody’s needs met. OK? What if the person can’t find replacement? If the person cannot think of somebody to replace them, it will not be a problem. It will only be a problem if I put on these ears, and receive in what they said a rejection. See, if I hear a rejection, that’s the problem. Is it not OK to say I’m disappointed? You can say: I’m disappointed as long as you don’t say: You disappoint me, and as long as you don’t stop after saying “I’m disappointed”. See, I’m disappointed. That’s just another way of saying you disappointed me. I’m disappointed. We always have to end a feeling, and at the very end of it there is going to be a request. We don’t just say: I’m disappointed. We have to say, we’d have to take responsibility for asking for what we want. Given the other person has this other need. OK, what do you want then from them. Well, the jackal doesn’t like that game. They don’t like to have to be responsible for what they want; they’d rather say: Well, if they love me… you see, if they were any kind of friend… I think it’s only fair that they. They want to control by guilt, shame. So, the school district asked me to work with these students that were labelled socially and emotionally maladjusted. Poor school system doesn’t realise that labels lead to self fulfilling prophecies. When you label people that way, they’re going to behave that way. Come on, be honest. If you were labelled socially and emotionally maladjusted, if you were one of those students, doesn’t that give you permission to have fun in school? Labels lead to self fulfilling prophecies. So I knew it was going to be a rough day just by that label. So when I walked into the classroom it already starts. Half of the students are hanging out the window, screaming obscenities at their friends in the courtyard down below. So I made a request: excuse me, I would like you all to come on over and sit down please. I would like to tell you who I am and what I would like to do today. Half the students come over. I wasn’t sure the other half had even heard me, so I repeated it: would you all please come over? Now everyone comes over with the exception of two young men. Just my luck, the two that didn’t come over, the biggest ones in the classroom. And again I wasn’t too sure they’d heard me. I was praying it just might be a problem with acoustics, so I said: would one of you two gentlemen tell me please what you heard me say? Yeah, you said we had to come over and sit down. You see the problem? I make a request, he hears a demand. So I said: sir… I have learned to always use sir with people who have biceps like he did, especially with a tattoo on top of the biceps. I said: sir could you tell me how I could have let you know what I was requesting so it wouldn’t sound like I was telling you what you had to do? He said: huh? See, that’s a radical paradigm shift for somebody who’s been educated under domination conditions. Domination structures, where authorities claim to know what’s right, you have to do it or else. You see, so it’s a radical paradigm shift in giraffe schools where people don’t make demands. They just make requests, so I realised that this is not going to be easy with this gentleman. He’s probably carrying with him a lot of traces of being punished when he doesn’t do what other people want. Or blamed. I’m not expecting him to give it up like that. So I said: sir, how could I let you know that I was requesting something of you without it sounding like I was bossing you around? I don’t know. I said: just what’s happening between you and me right now is much that I wanted to talk about today. I was wanting to look at a way we could interact, where nobody bosses others around. I didn’t expect life to be so easy, but it was all he needed. He trusted at that point that I wasn’t trying to tell him what to do, and he came over and we had a very cooperative day. But as long as people hear our request as demands they have only two choices: submission or rebellion, and neither of us are going to connect us with people in a way that’s good for anybody. So, the main thing that’s the difference is not how nicely we say it, but how we treat people, when they don’t do what we want. Now, let’s hear a few of these so we can see what kind of reactions you might get back. If you openly express your heart, you tried your best not to criticise, not to demand. What do you get back? She get’s excited and defends herself. I need to hear a specific statement, because I don’t know what you mean by defends herself. What does she say? Got to be specific. For the next exercise we need to know specifically what the person says or does. See, that’s your diagnosis that she’s defensive. What does she say? Sometimes things happen and I’m not ready to leave when we agreed. Well, sometimes things happen and I’m not ready to leave when we agreed. OK, that’s what the person says. I can’t do that because I have a hard time connecting with people as partners. I can’t do that because I have a hard time connecting to people as partners. This is the response back. Yes, what the person responded back. He says: nothing I do is ever good enough. Nothing I do is ever good enough. OK. Guess I should go through the whole thing. She says: she doesn’t like the way I wash the dishes or make the bed. Yes. I feel angry and resentful. Yes. I feel as I expressed because I need to be accepted for my willingness and my ability to do a job the way I do it. Yes. I would like you to acknowledge my work positively. Even if I don’t feel like it? How would you like me to respond positively when an idiot could do a better job making a bed than you do? OK, that’s the last thing. She would say: She can’t because I never do it the way it should be done. The problem there is with the present request: what do you want from this person? I think what you want is this: I’d like at least some gratitude expressed for my willingness to do what I did. And if I could get at least the gratitude for that first I could better hear, how you would like me to do it differently. Would that be closer? It would be closer, but I’d still like her to accept the way that I do it. There’s accept me. Now we need to translate accept into a doable request. What if this person has a sense of esthetics? You see, I can already tell what the problem is in your relationship. I’ve already made a diagnosis. Want to hear my diagnosis? You are a “slob” and she’s a “neat”. There’s these two kinds of people in the world: slobs and neats, and for some reason or another they always live together. It doesn’t make sense to me. There’s so much of this goes on everyday about how to wash the dishes, how to make the bed. I’ll give away which one I am. I once cleaned the house immaculately. And my partner came home and said: I thought you were going to clean. True story! So, you know what I am, right? I wrote her a song that night that goes: if you wonder about the cause of my domestic distress it’s that my partner is antiseptic and I’m a total mess. Last night at 2am I had to go to the head. In the time it took me, she made the bed. So, there are these slobs and neats and they always get together. I have a plan for world peace: put the slobs in one hemisphere, the neats in the other. So how does that get back to needs, now that you’ve diagnosed it. It has probably to do with this: you have to say to the neat. I’d like you to agree that there can be different ways of doing things. Is that what you want? My solution was that I just don’t do it anymore. Well, a typical slob solution. I could have guessed that. It worked. I really would like some acknowledgement. First I’d like an expression of gratitude for what I did. I’m not saying you have to like it, but at least I’d like to hear some gratitude, if it’s sincere, that at least I was trying. Second I’d like you to agree that there can be different ways of defining what is an adequate way to make a bed. Then if after you agree to that, if you could say what your preference would be without using words that imply that it’s right your way. That would be a lot easier on me. Something like that you see. Where is it, um… You sound like you’re doing something out of a book. You sound like you’re doing something out of a book. Talk like a real person. Don’t use any of this psychology ******it on me, something like that. Yes, yes, yes. Especially they’re going to say that when you’re a baby giraffe, you know, because you’re trying a new way. It’s going to take a while, and it’s going to go slowly. When I was first learning this, I was having a conflict with my oldest son, and I was sounding like it was coming out of a book. I was having to stop and think. Everything I said. The poor guy, he had his friends waiting for him, and he said: daddy it’s taking you so long to talk. I said: let me tell you what I can say quickly: do it my way or I’ll kick your ass! He said: take your time dad. Those who know me in my old jackal days are very patient with my sounding like I’m coming out of a book. Yes. There’s no value in changing who I am. I’m satisfied the way it is. Yes, there’s no value in changing who I am. I’m satisfied the way I am. We could already tell that this person heard a demand. They’re hearing a demand as though you are saying that they’re not OK the way they are. And that would be how I would bet a person would respond if they hear a demand. Different ways that people respond when they hear a demand. My preference is for how my youngest son once responded when he heard a demand. I said, would you please hang up your coat? He said, who was your slave before I was born? I like that way, because I know he hears a demand. Then it’s pretty clear. Then there’s other people who, it’s harder to guess if they’re hearing it as a demand. For example, you say to them: would you please come over and sit on the couch with me and talk with me? The person goes like this. OK. Now if you’re smart, you will say: oh, no, stay away. They’re hearing a demand, but they’re giving in. But the worst case scenario, this is a dangerous one, is if the person hears your request as a demand, and they respond this way: oh, sure, sure, I’ll do it. And they do it. But they did it to buy your love. They did it, because they were afraid that if they didn’t, you wouldn’t like them. Now, how will you find out? You’ll find out eventually. You might find out like this one woman did, who showed up at my door, at two in the morning. Two in the morning, my door bell’s ringing. It’s pouring rain outside. And this woman, eight months pregnant, crying. I said, come in, come in, sat her down in a chair. What’s going on? I didn’t know how she got there, but she told me that her mother had been in a workshop with me a month before, and she’d just called her mother up to tell her about what happened and her mother said: oh, there’s a man in your town, that you might want to go and talk to. So that’s how this woman shows up at my door at two in the morning. Now, what was the problem? Earlier, she said: I just made a little request to my husband and he said: get out! We’ve been married eight years and he’s always been so loving, so kind. He’s done everything I want, and now he says get out! Already I knew what the problem was. He was a yes saying jackal. He hears somebody he loves wants something and he feels he has to do it to buy love. To prove that he’s a loving person. And so, how does she find this out? It took eight years, but then she pays for it one night. I know I was right. How do I know I was right? I got him out of bed. Why should I be up at two in the morning talking to his wife while he’s sleeping? So, I call him up and invite him over and sure enough, you see, he was a yes saying jackal. He just didn’t know how to say know, so he’d been giving in, you know for all these years, and finally this night he snapped. So that’s how you find out. After eight years she found out that he was hearing demands, and lovingly giving into them. You certainly don’t want to ever receive those messages. Any one of what you’ve just responded to. You never want to hear, what the other person thinks. finished at 1:30:03
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Post by xpUNI.com on Oct 29, 2014 20:42:22 GMT
dotsub.com/view/1ef43c78-5a45-4d73-bc58-aedbfaa8ab2bBut first, let me begin by clarifying the purpose of Nonviolent Communication. Its purpose is to help you to do what you already know how to do. Why do we need to learn something today that you already know how to do? Because sometimes we forget to do this. We forget because we've been educated to forget. Now, what is it that I'm talking about that we already know how to do? The purpose of this process is to help us to connect in a way that makes natural giving possible. Natural giving possible. What do I mean by natural giving? Let me do you a song to make it clear what I mean by natural giving. ? I never feel more given to than when you take from me ? ? when you understand the joy I feel caring for you ? ? and you know my giving isn't done to put you in my debt ? ? but because I want to live the love ? ? I feel for you. ? ? To receive with grace may be the greatest giving ? ? there's no way that I can separate the two ? ? when you give to me I give you my receiving ? ? and when you take from me I feel so given to ? You all know that giving. You know how to do it. And that's what I'm interested in, our remembering to stay with that quality of giving moment by moment in any connection. But we also all know it's easy to lose it. It's easy to lose that connection, so that instead of enjoying that quality of giving, which is possible every moment, in every contact we have, in spite of how precious that is, we forget. And instead of playing the game that that song is about which I call "making life wonderful", - it's the most fun game I've ever heard - instead, much of the time we play another game called "who's right?" Have you ever played that game? [laughter] It's a game where everybody loses. Isn't this amazing, that we all know about this quality of giving that the song was about - it's possible every moment, we... we find that the richest thing to do - and much of our life we end up playing "who's right?" Now, the game of "who's right?" involves two of the most devious things human beings have ever come upon. One, punishment. See, 'cause if you're wrong in the game of "who's right?" then you deserve to suffer. Can you imagine a more diabolical concept to educate people? If you haven't already abstained from punishment, I'm sure by the end of the day, that will no longer be a part of your consciousness. No more punishment. You won't do it in your families, we'll get rid of it with criminals, it just makes things more violent, we'll find other ways to deal with other nations besides punishment. No more punishment. No more reward. it's the same game. It's part of the game of "who's right?" If you're right, you get rewarded. If you're wrong, you get punished. No more. No more. It has created enough violence on the planet. No more guilt induction. See? No more shame. No more concepts of duty and obligation. Just what the song is about, natural giving. So, how did we get off target? We got off target, according to Walter Wink, a theologian, who writes in his book "The Powers That Be", we got off target about 5,000 years ago. We... we lost... We got off target because we started to get some wild thinking. Wild thinking that human beings are innately evil. When you believe that, that human beings are innately evil, then if things aren't going as we would like, what's the corrective process? The corrective process is penitence. See? If people are evil, you think that the way to bring about change when people are behaving in a way you don't like is to make people hate themselves for what they're doing. So, for these political reasons and theological reasons, we started to develop a Ianguage, that I call jackal Ianguage. It's a language that cuts us off from life and... ...makes it very easy to be violent, very easy to be violent. In fact, in that book I mentioned, Wink says that domination cultures... one of the things you have to educate people is to make violence enjoyable. See? And we've done a good job of that. We make violence enjoyable in our culture. For 2 hours a night, from 7 to 9, when children are watching television the most, in 75% of the programs they watch, the hero either kills somebody or beats them up. You see? And when does this happen? At the climax of the program. We've been educated for quite a while to make violence enjoyable, Even though I think what that song was about is what is really closer to our nature, this natural giving, we've been educated to make violence enjoyable, and educated in a way we can even be violent to our children. So what is jackal-language like? Jackal-language, as I've mentioned, is a language of moralistic judgments. You think in terms of who's right, who's wrong, who's good, who's bad, and when you mention change, yes, we want change at times, so how do you get change in the jackal-system? Watch a parent try to bring about change in the child. This is a parent teaching a young child, to say one of the most important words in jackal. "- Say you're sorry. - I'm sowwy. - You're not really sorry. I can see it. You're not really sorry. [crying] - I'm sorry. - OK, I forgive you." Can you imagine a game like that? Can you imagine a parent responding to a child that way? And if a parent is gonna do that to a child in their own family, what are they gonna do to people from other cultures who behave in a way they don't appreciate? Of course you're gonna have violence wherever you have this kind of thinking. In cultures that do not have this thinking, you don't see violence, you see? So... That's how we got off target. Even though we could be playing the game "make life wonderful" each moment, we have been educated for quite a while to play another game "who's right?" So what are the parts of this game of "who's right?" I've just mentioned one of them. One part is moralistic judgments; Iearning how to go up to our head and think basically in terms of right and wrong, good and bad, normal / abnormal. I Iearned this game very well. I speak several dialects of jackal. [laughter] I grew up speaking... I grew up in Detroit. We spoke a rather harsh dialect of jackal. You might call it Detroit jackal. [laughter] For example, if I am out driving and someone is driving in a way that I don't like, and again, I want to install change, you see? I roll down the window "Idiot!" [laughter] Now, theoretically, the person is supposed to repent. See? [laughter] "I confess I was wrong, sir. I will change the error of my ways." It's a great theory. It didn't work. I have tried it more than once. It doesn't work. So I thought maybe it was that particular dialect of jackal. So I decided to get a more cultured use of jackal, so I went to the university and got a doctor's degree in professional jackal. [laughter] Now, when somebody is driving in a way I don't like, I roll down the window "psychopath!" [laughter] Still doesn't work! You see? There's another part of this Ianguage of jackal. "Amtssprache", That's very important. You see? A language that denies choice, denies responsibility for our actions. I use the word "amtssprache" for this part, having read an interview with the nazi war criminal Adolf Eichmann. In his trial for war crimes in Jerusalem, Eichmann was asked: "was it hard to send tens of thousands of people to their death?" and Eichmann answered candidly. He said: "to tell you the truth, it was easy. Our Ianguage made it easy." That answer shocked his interviewer, and his interviewer said "what Ianguage?" Eichmann said "in fact, my fellow nazi officers and I, we had our own name for our language. We called it amtssprache" Amt in german means "office" and ssprache "language" I'd call that bureaucratic language. He was asked for some examples. Eichmann said: "it's a language in which you deny responsibility for your... your actions. So if somebody ask you why you did it, you say "I had to"; then you don't feel so bad if you have to do it, you see, you're not responsible. "But why did you have to, jackal? - Superior's orders. Company policy. They made me do it. I couldn't do elsewise." Very dangerous Ianguage, amtssprache. Very dangerous. We have giraffe schools. I use the word "giraffe" you see, as a symbol for nonviolence. We'll see today that the language we're gonna study is the language of the heart. And so I use giraffe Ianguage for that, because giraffes have the largest heart of any land animal, so... Giraffe requires... always being conscious of choice. You see? We never do anything that we don't choose to do. But I was teaching giraffe to a group of parents and teachers in one community, and we have giraffe schools throughout the world. We have 5 in Israel, 4 in Palestine, some in Serbia, and so forth. And in giraffe schools, of course, we want to make sure that the teachers and parents never use amtssprache. One of the most dangerous languages in the world, to teach a child you have to do something. So I was saying this one time in St. Louis, Missouri, to a group of parents and teachers, and a mother got very upset. She said: "but there are some things you have to do, whether you like to do it or not. It's our job as parents to teach our children what they have to do. I mean, there's things I do every day that I hate to do, but there just are some things you have to do. - Well" I said "could you give me an example?" She said "Well, easy, there's so many. Let me think. Ok. Like when I leave here tonight, I have to go home and cook. I hate to cook. I hate it with a passion, but I have done it every day for 20 years; even when I have been sick". [laughter] - Well," I said "I'll be very happy today to show you another way of thinking, another Ianguage, that I hope would open up happier possibilities for you." Well, I'm pleased to report she was a rapid giraffe student. She went home that very evening and announced to her family that she no longer wanted to cook. [laughter] I got some feedback from her family. [laughter] The feedback came 2 weeks Iater, when I swung through that city again and was doing an evening workshop, and who shows up, her 2 older sons; she had 4 sons. They came up at the beginning to introduce themselves, and I said "Hey, I'm glad you guys came up here. I've been very curious what's going on in your family. Your mother has been calling me regularly telling me about all the changes she made in her life since the training. Like what happened that first night when she came home and announced that she no longer wanted to cook?" The oldest son said to me, "Marshall, I said to myself, thank God" [laughter] [still laughing] I said "Help me understand that one." He said "I said to myself, 'now maybe she won't complain at every meal' you see?" Natural giving, what I started the day off with that song, anything we do in Iife that isn't coming out of that energy, we pay for it and everybody else pays for it. Anything we do out of fear of punishment if we don't, everybody pays for it. Anything we do for a reward, everybody pays for it. Everything we do to make people like us, everybody pays for it. Everything we do out of guilt, shame, duty, obligation, everybody pays for it. That isn't what we were designed for. We were designed to enjoy giving, to give from the heart. - Marshall? - Yes? - I'm over here. My son brought me to one of your seminars, and I met you some 10 years ago, in Oakland. Now, I'm trying to bring my son back. I'm here, and he... said Iast night when I told him I was coming here, he said "well, why don't you go? I have a couple of appointments. maybe you could teach me something". So I thought I would come to Iearn something. Maybe I can teach him. But I'd like to teach him, and I don't know how to do that. I'd like to teach him to at Ieast give me the time of day to communicate with him. He doesn't do that, willingly. And when I try to demand it, it becomes worse. - Yes. - So how do I do that? - Well, that would be a good situation to work on today, because I'm going to ask everyone to think of a situation right now where somebody is behaving in a way you don't like. In this case it's your son, who when you ask him to communicate, he says no. The first thing I'll suggest is you can't teach anybody anything. And to have that as an objective is itself to create problems. So, let's change the objective. Let's never try to teach anybody anything or to change anybody. If that's your objective, you'll create resistance. So that would be my first suggestion today. Never try to teach anybody anything or to change anybody. Is that clear? - Yeah. - Ok. - So what do you do then? Give up? - Oh, no, no, no, See, this is the thinking that's been shaped in us by jackals, see? The game of "who's right?", win-lose, so then if we can't change and win, then the option we think of is to be a chump and Iose. You see? We have been educated to think in those 2 ways, win-lose, right-wrong. No, I'll show you a way. Another option. Ok. Let's get into it. Let's give you a chance to practice it. Some of you have already thought of situations, such as somebody you want very much to communicate with, they say no. So, think of somebody at the moment who is behaving in a way that is not making life wonderful for you, and you'd Iike to get to the place that the song was about, where everybody's needs can get met, and people are giving to one another from the heart, willingly, not out of coercion. You see? Let's see if we can show you a process to get there in this situation, to get everybody's needs met, and where people give willingly, not out of any coercion. So, maybe you are living at home, maybe you choose today to work on a child that you are living with at home who says horrible, horrible jackal-things, such as "no." [laughter] Oh, you laugh! You try living with one for a while. "Please brush your teeth! - No" Maybe you are living at home with a jackal-speaking partner, who says horrible jackal-things, such as "that hurts me when you say that." We'll see today that it's a violent act to say others make you feel as you do. See? To imply that others can make you feel hurt or angry. Maybe at work somebody is behaving in a way you don't like. They come Iate. They're not producing as well as you would like. Maybe your next door neighbor has been sexually molesting children. Whoever you want to pick, somebody who is behaving in a way you don't like, and you'd Iike to see how we would arrive at the objective of creating the quality of connection that will get everybody's needs met through natural giving. That's our objective. Ok? Now, open up your materials to... ...the Iast page. Second to the last page. At the top, it says: "Expressing how we are and what we would like" and it says under "A", "Think of someone who does something that makes life less than wonderful for you." This person that I'm asking you to think about, who is presently behaving in a way you're not crazy about, and what I'd like you to do is answer this question. Write here one thing that the person does that you don't like. We're gonna work on one specific action that the person does that you don't like, to get you familiar with the process today. Maybe the person does several things, but we're gonna show you how the process works by showing you how to communicate with the person about one specific thing they do. So, write under "A" one thing this person does that you don't Iike. Now, when I was here in San Francisco working with the school system back in the 70s, the superintendent in the schools asked me to go into an elementary school. He said the parents are complaining about the quality of relationship between these teachers and the administrator. They said the tension in the school is so great that the parents want to take their children out of the school. So he asked if I would go in, see If I could open up better communication between the staff and the administrator. The plan was, I would meet first with the teachers and then get the teachers and the administrator together. So in my meeting with the teachers, I started with the question that I just asked you. I said to the teachers "Can you tell me one thing that the administrator does that makes it hard for you to work with him?" I was asking for an observation. A concrete behavior. What is one thing he does? The first teacher to respond said this "He has a big mouth" Now, can you see the difference between the question I asked and the answer I got? I did not ask "what size mouth does the principal have?" [laughter] So this teacher was giving me an evaluation, an analysis that implies wrongness. You see? We have been so trained to think that way that sometimes we can't separate fact and opinion. All we see is our enemy image. Whether it's an individual or a nation, we have been trained to think in enemy images of wrongness. It obscures reality. We don't see the behavior. We just see our enemy image. In his book "Out Of Weakness" Andrew Schmookler says that when cultures are taught to think this way, not to just see the person, but an image, a judgment they've made, bombs are never far away. You see? So I pointed this out to the gentleman that this was not an answer to my question, I wanted to know one thing that the principal did. This man was stuck. He just couldn't get it. The woman sitting next to him tried to help. She said: "Well, I know what he's referring to." I said "OK, help him out. What's one thing that the principal does?" "He talks too much." No, "too much" is a judgment. I asked for an observation, not a judgment. See, this is how jackal-speaking people think. They really have been brought up to think there is such a thing as a just-right amount of everything. and too much and too little, and that they know what it is. See? So they think that way. It doesn't make resolving conflicts too easy with them, when people have an idea that there is a right and a too much and a too little and they know what it is. And especially when they mix it up with an observation. I was just asking "what does the person do?" and, for the second time, this person couldn't see the behavior separate from the judgment. A third person tried to help. "Well, I know what they're talking about. - Ok, what? - He thinks he's the only one that has anything worth saying. - No. Telling me what you think he thinks is an evaluation you're making of what you think is going on in his head. I was asking for 'what does he do?'" A fourth woman said, "He wants to be the center of attention all the time." I said, "Now you're giving me a judgment or a diagnosis of his motives. Even if it's accurate, it's a diagnosis of his motives, it's not an observable behavior. My question was what does he do?" Now, the entire faculty sits there quiet. Nobody can answer the question. And one of the women said to me, "Boy, Marshall, that's hard to do." Yes. In fact, the philosopher Krishnamurti says that "to observe without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence" So those of us who have been taught to think in these enemy images, immediately to think right-wrong, good-bad, normal-abnormal, appropriate-inappropriate, too this, too that... We can't see reality. All we see is our enemy images. Well, with great effort on my part, I finally got them to get rid of the images and answer this simple question, "what does he do?" It was several things, but the one that they wanted particularly to start working with him on was this, that during their once-a-week faculty meetings, regardless of what was on the agenda, he would relate it to a war experience or a childhood experience, and the average meeting lasted 20 minutes longer than it was scheduled. Ok. That answered my question of what he did. He talked about war experiences, childhood experiences, rather than sticking to the agenda. I said, "Have you called that to his attention?" they said, "Well, we can see now that when we try to talk to him about it, these other judgments get mixed in, and he gets defensive." So they thought it would be a good idea to talk to him about it, but they asked if I would be at the meeting just in case. So I attended their next staff meeting, and I saw rather quickly what they were talking about, because almost as soon as an issue came up, the principal would say, "Oh, that reminds me of a time..." and he would start to tell a story. and I was waiting for somebody to confront him on this, in giraffe, but instead of that, there was a lot of non-verbal jackaling going on. People were going like this, rolling their eyes, poking the person next to them, yawning, Iooking at their watches, holding the watches up to the ears. [laughter] And I watched this scenario going on for a while, and I said: "Excuse me, but... isn't somebody gonna say something?" Now there's a silence, and the man who spoke up in our first meeting, I could just see him getting his courage up, and he looks at the principal and says "Ed, you have a big mouth." [laughter] So let's see if whether what you wrote down answered the question I asked. Is it an observable behavior? Or did you mix in any evaluation, and my 2 friends here will help us to make this evaluation. This animal has been taught somewhat Iike a police dog to sniff out narcotics, if there's any jackal mixed in, he will howl, if you answered the question, this animal will dance. So sir, what did you write down? - "My dad blames my wife..." - [howls] - "...for my choices." - He does what? - "My dad blames my wife for my choices." - Yes. Blames is a judgment. See? That's already putting evaluation into it. Dad, do you see yourself as blaming her? - No. I see myself as calling attention to the facts. So, see? Dad doesn't see that as blaming. - No, I'm educating. - Thank you, Dad. Yes. Ok. So, how do we say it? We need a direct quote. To make it an observable behavior, we need to say "my father says..." what? - "All of his problems..." - "You are responsible for all of his problems." He says this to the wife, "You are responsible for all of his problems."? - That's it. - Yes. Ok. That's a direct quote. That's what he says. That's giraffe language. You made a direct quote. Ok? As soon as you... have the word "blame" in your consciousness, it's gonna change the whole energy with which you approach the person, because you're basically making a judgment of them as blaming, "which everybody knows is wrong" you see? Yes? - I have the mic... "Lately, my son is not doing his history homework." - Ok. - "My Dad makes harsh judgements and insulting remarks." - Oh, my God. You killed my poor jackal. [laughter] [still laughing] He could have handled the "harsh", that was one judgement, but "insulting", harsh and insulting... you know, see, those are 2 judgments. - Actually, he does use insulting words. - No, there is no such thing. After today, in fact, seriously, by 4:30 this afternoon, you will never hear another insult. It won't exist. Insults will not exist. I'm gonna show you the use of some technology today that takes insults and criticism out of the waves... airwaves. [laughter] So that no matter what your father says, you can never hear another harsh statement or another insult, because we're gonna show you today how to use this technology. [laughter] [still laughing] And with this technology, it will be impossible for you to hear criticism, harsh remarks, insults... With these ears, all you can hear is the only thing human beings are ever saying, "please" and "thank you". That's all... We're going to show you today that all what used to sound like criticism, judgments, blame, are simply tragic, suicidal expressions of "please". - "My brother yells at me to get in the car to go to school, and then he makes me late to school. - Who yells? - This guy. - But, you see, "yells" is a kind of a little bit of an evaluation. He speaks in a tone of voice? - Yeah. - OK. It's the tone of voice. I was asked at Lincoln High School... is it Lincoln High School in San Francisco? Many years ago, I was asked to work with the faculty there. They were having a lot of tension amongst the faculty, racially, ethnically. there was a lot of tensions, and the superintendent asked me to work there, and I started the day asking, "Tell me something that somebody else on the faculty does that you don't Iike." A man turns to the woman next to him and says: "I don't Iike it when you yell in our faculty meetings." She says, "Who yells?" [laughter] Now, she was from a different culture than this man. What was yelling in her culture was quite different. And about 10 minutes later when she started to yell at him by her own definition, I saw a difference, you know? So, raises the voice, when he's asking you to get ready for school. Yes. - Or just kind of gets angry at me... - Gets angry... that's maybe accurate, but it's a diagnosis; we don't know whether he's angry. He might be scared, that you're going to miss school. It might sound to you like angry. Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't; but "raises the voice", "has smoke coming out of his ears..." that you can see. You see? That's observable. Yes? - "My fifth grader Jesse refuses to do his seat work." - [howl!] Refuses is a diagnosis. Maybe an accurate diagnosis, but it doesn't tell me what he does. - He says, "no, I don't want to do it." - Says "no, I don't want to do it." That's the behavior. - "My husband doesn't tell me things which will affect me deeply." - Ok. That's the first jackal husband I've ever heard of. [laughter] - This is a new experience for me today. - "A student in my class incessantly talks loud, won't stay seated or keep his hands to himself." - I hear about 3 judgments in there. Let's go over it slowly, 'cause I hear 3 diagnoses. Say it again so we'll hear the 3 diagnoses. - "...incessantly talks loud..." - Loud is your interpretation. Louder than you would like. If you want to say it, put it that way. "Louder than I would like" - "...won't stay seated..." - "Won't" is a diagnosis. "He doesn't stay in his seat after I've told him to". He might in the future. We don't know whether he will or not, so that's a diagnosis. Doesn't at the moment. Doesn't when I ask him to stay in his seat. - "...and does not keep his hands to himself." - "...and does not keep his hands to himself." - Ok. Since coming to the introductory presentation on tuesday night, I've been very aware of hearing evaluations. - Yes. - In myself, and especially in other people. And so I started to wonder, are all of those violent communications? Or would there be a way that some of those are, according to this model, nonviolent? - I would say that any evaluation of others that implies wrongness is a tragic expression of an unmet need. tragic in the sense... for 2 reasons. First, it decreases the likelihood that we will get what we want. Even if we don't say it out loud, even if we think it, if we are even thinking that what somebody else does is wrong, it decreases the Iikelihood that we will get what we want. And second, it increases the likelihood of violence. So, what could be more tragic than that than expressing ourself in a way that gets in the way of our getting what we want, and increases violence? Anything that we want to say that implies wrongness on the part of the other person, I'm suggesting, is a tragic, suicidal expression of an unmet need. Say the need. Learn a need consciousness, which is what we're gonna get to now. That's how we evaluate in nonviolent communication. We evaluate from the heart. We make judgments, but we make need-serving judgments. We judge whether what people are doing is meeting needs or not. We don't moralistically judge the person for what they did. We judge whether it's serving life or not, because needs are our direct connection with life. They're the life that... Needs are the life seeking expression within us. So we evaluate with reference to that, and that requires 2 kinds of Iiteracy, feelings and needs. So let's be sure that we are all speaking the same language when I use the term "feelings" and "needs". So under "B" it says, "imagine that you are talking directly to the person, and express how you feel when the person acts in the way described above, and use this form:..." Again, we're talking to the other person. we're telling them now what they did, and we say, "When you do this, I feel..." how? How do you feel when the person does what you wrote down under "A"? Write that down. - "When you do this, I feel angry. - Ok. Anger is a feeling created by unnatural thinking. We'll get to that next. [laughter] - "When you're not ready to Ieave at the agreed time, I feel anxious and impatient." - "When you speak that loud, I feel intimidated." - [howls] - Intimidated is a diagnosis. Be careful of words that are more descriptions of other people, what you think they're doing to you, like intimidating you. So, write down the following as not feeling words. Do not mistake these words as feelings. I feel misunderstood. I feel used. I feel manipulated. I feel judged. I feel criticized. I feel ignored. For example, aren't there times when you think somebody's ignoring you? Don't you feel relieved? [laughter] And at other times don't you feel angry? You see? So words Iike that really say very little about what's alive in you. They say much more about how you are interpreting the other person's behavior, and above all, never mistake the word "rejected" as a feeling. I feel rejected. No. That's not a feeling. That's a suicidal interpretation. Ok, who's got the mic? There's the mic. - "Hurt, disappointed, disenheartened." - yup. - "Feel angry and betrayed." - Angry, yes. [Howl]... for betrayed. Betrayed is one of those words Iike intimidated, ignored, misinterpreted, used, manipulated. It's more a diagnosis of the other person than a feeling. - What about contracted? - Contracted? If you mean tense and like that. Ok. If it's that. - "When you call me up and, speaking loudly, tell me you are going to cut off funding, I feel angry and scared." - "When you leave the dishes in the sink, I feel powerless over my environment and time, which feels frustrating and scary." - "When you start talking loudly in the middle of my sentence, I feel hurt because I think you are not listening to me. - Yeah, the feeling is great, but you're gonna lose it when you follow the word "feel" with the word "because I think" Any time you're thinking, your chance of getting what you need is greatly decreased. [laughter] Especially when you follow the word "think" with the word "you". Then I think you not only won't get heard, I predict a defensive-aggressive reaction. So, it's gonna be hard for people to care about your feelings when you follow that with a diagnosis that implies wrongness. But we'll get to that next, 'cause we're gonna see next that we... After the feelings, there's 2 places we don't go. And one is up to our head. We stay in the heart with feelings. We don't go up to the head. We stay in the heart and connect with needs. But, we'll get to that. If we want to use nonviolent communication, we want to be sure that we do not use the feeling in a violent way. Because feelings can either connect us at the heart or they can contribute to more division and violence. So we certainly do not want to ever express our feelings in this way: "I feel as I do because you..." Ok? We never want to express our feelings this way: "You make me feel..." Now, that will be a hard habit to get away from, because in a jackal-culture, feelings are very instrumental to using guilt as a way of manipulating people. The way to manipulate people is if you can convince them that they make you feel as you do, then they should feel guilty and change. You see? It's another form of this violent game. So, for example, if you are a parent and you want to use feelings in a violent way rather than a connecting way, you would express them this way: "It really hurts me when you don't clean up your room." [laughter] Ok? Or, "you make me angry when you say that." I was talking during the break about one of my happiest days as a parent was when my oldest son went to a jackal school for the first time. he had gone 6 years to a giraffe school that I had helped create, and, uh... but then, I wanted him to learn how to enjoy jackals as well, so, uh... and in giraffe schools, we also want to be aware that the children are not always gonna be in this setting, so we want them to learn how to stay with their own values regardless of which structure they're in. You see? So he comes back the first day from school, and he looked less than happy, and I said, "how was the new school, Rick?" And he said, "It's ok, Dad, but... whew! boy... some of those teachers, Dad..." I said, "what happened?" He said, "Dad, I wasn't even in the front door, really, i was halfway through the front door, and some man teacher comes running over and says, "my, my, Iook at the little girl." Can you guess what the teacher was reacting to? Yeah, my son's hair was down to his shoulders. See, in a jackal-school, as we all know, authority knows what's right. See? There's a right way to wear your hair as a boy and a wrong way. A right way to do everything. And who knows? The teacher. And what do you do if somebody doesn't do it? You use shame, guilt, and so forth. You use the word "girl" as though it's an insult. Welcome to jackal-land. So i'm getting burned up, ready to go do a Iittle BAT therapy with the teacher, [laughter] forgeting all about my teachings, and I said to my son, "How did you handle it?" He said, "I remembered, Dad, what you said, that when you're in that kind of environment, never give them the power to make you submit or rebel." One of the things we want to teach children very early, no matter what structure you're in, never lose track that you are free to choose what you do. Don't allow institutions to determine what you do. I said, "Hey, man, if you remembered that, that's a big gift. I really love that you could remember that under those conditions. Then what did you do? - I put on my giraffe ears, Dad, tried to hear what he was feeling and needing" I said, "You remembered to do that? What did you hear? - Pretty obvious, Dad. He looked irritated and wanted me to cut my hair. - Hey, wow, man, i'm really glad you could remember that. How did that leave you feeling?" He said, "Dad, I felt sad for the man. He was bald and seemed to have a problem about hair." [laughter] [still laughing] So we want children the same thing we want to teach adults. Institutions can't make you do anything. Other people can't make you do anything. No human being has ever done anything they didn't choose to do. A palestinian in the village of Hebron disagreed with me one time. He said, "I don't agree with you, Marshall, that we only choose to do. Where was my choice 2 days ago? A soldier puts a gun at my head and says, 'Take off your clothes or I'll shoot you.' Where was my choice?" I said, "Seems pretty obvious to me. You had a choice of whether to take off your clothes or not." He laughed. He said, "OK, I got your point. I chose not to take off my clothes. That soldier knew I didn't have a gun. He was doing this to dishonor me. I chose to risk my Iife to protect my honor. - Ok, so... I'm not saying we always Iike the choices we have, but nobody can make us do anything we don't choose to do. So I said, "Apparently the soldier also chose not to shoot you. Or else it was a very poor shot." [laughter] My children taught me this about nobody does anything they don't choose to do. From the time they were 2 years old, they educated me that I couldn't make them do anything. All I could do is make them wish they had. [laughter] And then they taught me another lesson. That any time I would do that, they would make me wish I hadn't made them wish they had. They taught me that violence creates violence. You see? Expressing Needs and Requests Ok, the next step then. We do not attribute responsibility for our feelings to the other person. We never say that "you make me feel" or "I feel because you..." Instead we are conscious that the root of feelings are needs. Behind every feeling there is a need. Now certain feelings tell us that there is an obstruction in our thinking. That instead of our being directly connected to our needs we have chosen to go off to jackal land. So what are these feelings that tell us that we are not directly connected to our needs? Anger, depression, guilt and shame. Those feelings are very valuable. They tell us that at this moment I'm not directly connected to my needs. Instead we are up in our head telling ourselves moralistic judgments about somebody. Anger, we're making moralistic judgments about somebody else. Depression, guilt and shame, we're playing that game on ourselves. But we are not alive as I would define being alive which is connected to our needs. Do you make a distinction between needs and preferences? - Yes we make a big difference as you'll see when we get to the next step now. Because needs contain no reference to specific ways of getting the needs met. Those are preferences or strategies or requests. So we make a big difference between needs and between preferences, requests, strategies. So let's get into that, let's right now connect our feelings with a need. Let's not go up to our head and think about the other person, let's go into our heart and connect our feeling with our need because needs give us the most power with people. See, giraffe is based on a power model, power with people. It increases our power with them in the sense that increases people's willing giving to us. To enjoy giving to us. That's power with people. We have been trained in a "power over" model. The use of punishment and reward, that's power over people. To get them to do things not because it's coming from their heart and they want to contribute to our well-being or to life. No. They want to avoid punishment or get a reward. So we want to increase power with people. And the most powerful form of communication to do that is to bring people's attention to our needs that are not getting met. When people's full attention is on our needs they hear no criticisms, no demands. It is natural to enjoy giving. But if we hear any criticism or demand we lose connection with that natural desire to give and now we want to defend and attack. So let's learn a language of needs. Under c) it says "Imagine again that you're talking to the person and express your reasons for feeling as you do this way: 'When you do what I described, I feel as I expressed because I am needing or because I need" So now see if you can identify what need of yours is not getting met. Leave the word 'you' out of here because that'll mix up need and preference. Leave the other person out of here, just express the need without reference to the other person. All needs are universal. Every human being in the world has the same needs so you can look at what you said and see whether this applies. If what you wrote down is a true need, every other human being in the world has that need. We're all created out of the same energy. So we really see this at the level of needs. All human beings have the same needs. What differs immensely is the strategies that we have been educated in for meeting the needs. Different cultures educate people to meet the needs in a different way but the needs are the same. Who wants to check theirs out? Ok... - "...to know that you are responsible and honest." Notice you brought the other person in there. "I have a need to know that you are responsible and honest." How do we express the need without bringing the other person in there? No, we can bring it in one way, "I have a need for your happiness" or "...your protection", we can say that. You see? But not the way you're saying it. Yes... - "I need to be seen and heard as who I truly am." - "I have a need to be seen and heard as who I truly am." Ok. - Now I have an impulse to qualify that and say "free". - To be? - Free. - "I have a need to be..."? - The last word in that sentence is "who I truly am - free." - I have a need [to be] who I truly am to be free. Yes, that's a need we all have. The important thing will come out when we get to a request because that's a request that only you can meet. Other people can't do that. They can't meet that need. So if you don't know how to meet that for yourself, for freedom you won't have that need met. - I'm feeling a little frustrated because I'm noticing that everything is a strategy, in other words, mine is a need for an esthetic environment, but underneath that there is a need for serenity and my serenity doesn't come from the environment, so this entire request starting at a) is a strategy to get something called serenity. - Ok, that's a need. Then I have a need for certain peace but isn't there a need for certain esthetics that will... - Right, but it crumbles the house of cards for me of wanting the sink not filled with dirty dishes. - Help me understand that. If you have a need for serenity - but that serenity doesn't come from a clean sink - Ok, then we haven't got the right need then. Or it's not that you want the sink cleaned out - But I'm projecting that need on to the sink thus on to a behavior of someone else. - Well, if the other person's behavior can be getting in the way of our need getting met If the dishes aren't done, it could be that some needs of yours are not being met by that. Then you have to identify what the needs are that are not getting met. - I'm not sure that I'm not basing my... in an assumption that by having that sink clean then I'm going to have serenity and I think it's a false distinction. - Well, the nice thing about being clear about our requests is we can test it out. If I say for my need for serenity, I'd really be grateful if you would clean up the sink, the person does it and I'm still not serene, Ok, that helps; I know that doesn't work. See, we never really know what we want until after we get it. If after we get it, it makes life more miserable, then we know that isn't what we want. If it makes life more wonderful, then we know that is what... a strategy that will meet our need. That's what makes life fun; we never know what we want until after we get it. That's why Paul Tillich, the theologian, says that Christianity requires the willingness to sin courageously. [Laughter] You ask for what you want, hoping to meet your needs you get it, it makes life worse... ok, now I've learned it isn't what I want Wouldn't it be boring to know what is right? Yes? - "When ..." OK "When you do what I described, I feel as I expressed because I need respect and acknowledgment and I need to be able to feel safe in my job environment." - I hear needs in there, yes. - "When you do what I described, I feel as I express because I need to express my desire and need without it hurting you." - No, no, no, now we got bunch of stuff in there. If you want to avoid hurting other people, the only way I can offer you to do that is to become nice dead person. Because if other people have jackal ears, they can get hurt, if you have heartburn. - So what if I just cut off that second half? Just "I need to express my desire and needs" - Yes, and then what you want to say to yourself "and I want to learn to enjoy your pain." - Ooo! [Laughter] We're going to show you after lunch how to enjoy the other persons' pain. - Ooo! That sounds... - It's one of the most loving things you can do you see... As I will define it obviously, I don't mean it in sadistic way, I... Yes? - So I have a couple I'm working on... One of them is: "Because I have a need for predictability." - "...I have a need for predictability." Ok. - And the other one: "Because I have a need for privacy." - Yes - My need is for comradeship and acknowledgment of my comradeship. - Yes - "I have a need to memorialize the life of your father and in doing so honor the life of your entire family." - You have a need to nonor is life... Yes. - "I have a need to have communication with other people that is open and supportive of life." - Need for... supporting of life, openness... ok. - "When you do this I feel hurt because I have a need to be heard and understood." - Very important need, that need for understanding, to be heard, to be listened to; empathy, there's different ways of expressing it but it's a critical need one that we have daily. - "Bottom line: I have a need to love you and to let you love me." - I have a need to love, but don't bring the other person in there "I have a need to love..." - "...and to let love in" - Yes. See, our needs don't... When we believe that our needs involve another person doing something we take a very abundant world and make it scarce very quickly. So we don't want to mix up our need into a request. You may have a request, a strong request to a particular person to meet our need for love. That's a strategy, we may want this particular person, but we don't have a need for that person to love us. That's mixing up the need and the request. We have a need for love, we have a strong preference that this person take the actions to meet that need but we don't want to mix up the need and the strategy. Ok, let's take one more and then we gotta move on. - I'm confused if this is a need or strategy... - Ok... - "I need to feel loved." - Love is a very important word. "I need love." Yes. But now that word love is so important that we got to get really clear what we mean about it, when we use it as a giraffe, you see? Watch what happens when a giraffe and a jackal get together on this love scene, this is it... Watch this jackal ask a very dangerous question. But notice that the giraffe is too smart ever to answer this question, watch! "Do you love me? - Jackal, before I can answer your question honestly I need to get some important things clear. Are you using the word love as a feeling? - Well, of course! - Ok, well I need to get that clear, so you mean am I feeling certain warmth, cuddly, tender feelings towards you then? - Yes - Ok, I needed to get this clear because you see we giraffes do not use the word love as a feeling. It's much too important to us to get it confused with a feeling. It's a need for us but since you use it as a feeling, Ok, I'm glad to know that. So would please, now that I know that, ask the question again? - Do you love me!? - When? [laughing] - When!?? [Laughter] - Well, I want to be honest, I can see how important this is to you but how can I be honest with you about what I feel towards you, without reference to a specific moment? Feelings change every few seconds. Life is changing, feelings are part of life. So I'd have to know a specific time and place to ever answer your question of how I feel. - What about right now? - No. [Laughing] But try me again in a few moments." [Laughing] So you see, to a giraffe love is a need, and it's a need for which we must be very clear, about what request do we have of other people to meet that need. Now, watch again what happens with reference to that if we are in a love relationship with a jackal. "I want to you love me. - So you have a need for love, jackal and you're giving me the honor of wanting to meet that need. - Yes. - I really see how important that need of love is so I want to be clear what you would like from me, to meet your need. Could you tell me what you're requesting of me to meet your need?" Now, poor jackals, they don't live in the moment, you see? And to make a clear request, you have to live now, you have to be clear what you want. So watch how the jackal handles this. "So could you tell me what you want me to do to meet your need for love? - Oh, you know... - Well, I'm not sure I do. I really see how important this need is for you, so can you tell me specifically what you would like me to do to meet your need for love? - It's hard to say in so many words. - If it's hard for you to say, jackal, can you see how hard will it be for me to do? - I never thought of that. - So what would you like me to do to meet your need for love? [Laughter] - It's embarrassing to get clear. - Yes, it is." Because much of our oppression in close relationships comes from saying to people: I want you to respect me, I want you to love me, I want you to understand me without we being real clear what we want when we say that. "So what are you wanting, jackal, when you say you want me to love you? - I want you to guess what I want before I even know what it is and I want you always to be willing to do it. - Thank you for defining it that way, jackal, would you please find someone else to meet your need for love?" [laughing] Most jackals that carry that definition of love around with them find out how impossible it is to meet on about their 5th divorce. See, they keep thinking they're going to find a right person to love them, not realizing that the problem is how they are defining love and what they want from other people to meet the need for love, to see that it's impossible to meet that need, which brings us to the next step in the process. How to make clear requests after we have expressed our unmet need? And a clear request defined in giraffe is: first, it's a positive action. We say what we do want, not what we don't want. So a woman gave me a very good example of what happens when you say what you don't want. In a workshop she said: "You really helped me to understand what happened recently, Marshall, I said to my husband: 'I don't want you spending so much time at work' and then I got furious with him when he signed up for a golf tournament. [Laughter] A teacher gave me a similar example, she said: "Just yesterday, Marshall, I said to this young boy: 'Please, I don't want you tapping on your book while I'm talking.' So he started tapping on his desk." Saying what we don't want doesn't make clear what we do want. But worse than that, if we frame our objectives in getting rid of something it leads to violence very often. It makes violence seem attractive when we try to get rid of something. For example, I was working with some teachers in a school in Rockville, Illinois. The observable behavior they wanted to work on, is on the average every three month 38 broken windows in the school. So we got down to the request. I said "What do you want different from the students? - It's obvious, we don't want them breaking windows. - So you're saying you don't want the children breaking windows? - Yes, what should we do? - Kill them. [Laughter] Research has demonstrated: dead children break no windows. [Laughter] Almost any time we think of what we want to get rid of, it makes violence look attractive and as stupid as that example was I just gave you, look at the newspaper in any given day and see how many world leaders are saying "We're going to teach them not to..." "We're going to get them to stop.." And they think violence is going to... see? It always makes violence seem attractive. It's only, as I said earlier, when we get two questions clear: "What do we want people to do?" and "What do we want their reasons to be for doing it?" Then I think we'll see violence never works. Ok, so we want to say what we want to say in the positive. What do we want other person to do, what do we want them to start doing differently? And second, It needs to be clear action language. You can't do what this one wife did with her husband who came to a workshop with her, she said: "I want you to listen to me when I talk." He said "I do listen. - No, you don't. - Yes, I do. - No, you don't. They told me they had this same conversation for 11 years. The problem is with the word 'listen'. What's that? We can use the word 'listen' as a need. I have a need to be listened to. But when we move to request, we need to speak action language. What specific action do we want this person to take? We can't use the verb 'to be'. I want you TO BE more friendly, not doable. We can't use feeling language. "I want you to feel confidence in yourself." that's not doable. So we need to be able to make very concrete requests. Try it out with what is under D) there. "In relation to what the other person did and your feelings and needs in relation to the action imagine you're talking directly to the person and express a request using this form: 'I would like you to...' What do you want the person to do to meet your needs?" - "I want you to obey my instructions." [Laughter] - Lets use the word "I want you to do what I told you to do." "I want you to do what I told you to do." And if you were a giraffe, you would give that to the person, with a little card that said "But please do as I requested only if you can do so with a joy of a little child feeding a hungry duck. Please, do not do as I request, if there is any fear of punishment motivating you. Please, do not do as I request, out of hope for reward that I will like you if you do. Please do not do as I request out of guilt, shame, duty, obligation. Life is too short to do anything for anybody out of that." So what I'm getting at is when we do make a request we want to be sure that the person trusts that's a request, and not a demand. So we'll come back to that. Let's just work on the clarity of the request to begin with. Yes. So, what is your request? - "I would like you to do what was agreed upon." - Ok - "Give me the space to complete my thought." - [Owls] Too vague, "give me the space" - Let me....? - Let me is not doable. Let me show you what I mean. A woman said to her husband who came to a workshop: "I want you to give me the freedom to be myself." He says "I do. - No, you don't." I said "Hold it, hold it. Give me the freedom is not doable. - Let me..? - No, it's not doable. - Allow me...? - Not doable. What do you want from him when you say give you the freedom to be yourself.? - It's embarrassing. - Yes, it is. Say it! Say it out loud. What do you want when you say that? - I want him to smile and say it's ok no matter what I do. - Ok, now you're honest." So what do you want? - I want to express myself . - Yes, you can do that. Nobody can stop you from expressing yourself. - No, I'm getting interrupted - You want the other person to wait until your finished speaking? - Yes. - Before starting? - Yes. - Ok that's the doable action. So how do we know? You can only tell whether it's a request or a demand by how I treat you if you don't do it. That's what tells people whether we are making requests or demands: what is their memory of how we act when we don't get what we want? If people have in their memory any punishment on our part in the past, when they don't do what we want, any blame, it will now be hard for them to trust that we are making a request and not a demand, it will take the joy out of giving to us. So lets follow that example a little bit more for me to show you what I mean so I say to you, "I'm really lonely this evening and have the need for some company, would you be willing to spend the evening with me?" And you say "Marshal I'm really preoccupied with some things at work and I really need some space to myself this evening, could you find someone else to be with you this evening? And here is my reaction, [Laughter] [More laughter] Two days later. [Laughter] You "what's the matter? - Nothing!" You "Come on, what's the matter? - You knew how lonely I was... If you loved me..." Now, was that a request or a demand? - Demand. So we can't tell from how nicely it is asked, we need to see how the person treats us when we don't do what they want. That's when we trust that they make requests and not demands. So we are going to pay for every time in the past, when we used any coercive means to get what we wanted. Now at least we don't want to pay for that any more. We want to be sure that whenever we make a request it is a request that doesn't mean the other person will trust us, even if it is because, unfortunately, there's been so much coercion in our world that, even if we are making a sincere request, the other person might hear a demand. I was working in one school system, with a group of students that the school district labeled as "socially and emotionally maladjusted." Now from what you have learned today was that at jackal school system or a giraffe school system? Yes? - It sounds like in your example that the person was really disappointed or really let down. - Not let down, that's a diagnosis. - Ok. - They were really disappointed, really hurt. -Ok. So how could they have expressed that without being a demand but not suppressing the fact that they're really disappointed? - They could say "So you have a lot to do right now and it would really meet your need to be by yourself - Yeah. - And... the kind of mood I'm in right now I really trust that you would meet it better than anybody else I know, is there some way that we could find to get your work done and still meet my need for connection tonight?" That's what we call dogging for our needs. [Laughter] That shows respect for the other person's needs. I'm not trying to use any guilt or manipulation, right? I'm just trying now to find a way to get everybody's needs met Ok? - So, then, what if the person can't find replacement? - If the person can not think of somebody to replace them it will not be a problem, it will only be a problem if I put on these ears and receive in what they said a rejection. If I hear a rejection, that's the problem. - [Inaudible] You can say "I'm disappointed", as long as you don't say "you disappoint me" and as long as you don't stop after saying "I'm disappointed." "I'm disappointed." that's just another way of saying "You disappointed me"; we always have to end the feeling... at the very end of it there is going to be a request. We don't just say "I'm disappointed". We have to say, we have to take responsibility, for asking for what we want. Giving the other person has this other need, what do you want then from them? Well the jackal doesn't like that game. They don't like to have to be responsible for what they want. They'd rather say "Well if they'd loved me..." "If they were any kind of friend..." "I think it's only fair that they..." They want to control by guilt, shame... So, the school district asked me to work with these students that were labeled "socially and emotionally maladjusted." Poor school system doesn't realize that labels lead to self-fulfilling prophecies. When you label people that way they're going to behave that way. Come on, be honest, if you were labeled socially and emotionally maladjusted and you were one of those students, doesn't that give you permission to have fun in school? [Laughter] Labels leads to self-fulfilling prophecies. So I knew it was going to be a rough day just by that label, so when I walk into the classroom it already starts. Half of the students are hanging out the window screaming obscenities at their friends on the courtyard down below, so I made a request "Excuse me, I would like you all to come on over and sit down please. I'd like to tell you who I am and what I liked to do today." Half the students come over. I wasn't sure the other half had even heard me so I repeated it, "Would you all please come over?" Now everybody comes over with the exception of two young men. Just my luck the two that didn't come over were the biggest ones in the classroom and again I wasn't too sure they'd heard me and was praying it might just be a problem with acoustics, so I said: "Would one of you two gentleman tell me please what you heard me say?" - Yeah, you said that we had to come over and sit down." See the problem? I make a request, he hears a demand. So I said "Sir," (I have learned always use 'Sir' with people that have biceps like he did especially with a tattoo on top of the bicep) I said "Sir, could you tell me how I could have let you know what I was requesting, so it wouldn't sound like I was telling you what you have to do?" He said "huh?" [Laughter] See, that's a radical paradigm shift for somebody who's been educated under domination conditions. Domination structures, where authorities claim to know what's right you have to do it, or else... See? So that's a radical paradigm shift. In giraffe schools people don't make demands, they just make requests and I realize that it's not going to be easy with this gentleman. He's probably carrying with him lot of traces of being punished when he doesn't do what other people want, or blame and I'm not expecting him to give it up like that. So I said "Sir, how can I let you know that I was requesting something of you without it sounding like I was bossing you around? - I don't know." I said "Just what's happening between you and me right now is much that I wanted to talk about today." I was wanting to look at a way that we could interact where nobody bosses others around. And I didn't expect life to be so easy and it was all he needed, he trusted at that point that I wasn't trying to tell him what to do and he came over and we had a very cooperative day. But as long as people hear our requests as demands they have only two choices: submission or rebellion. And neither of those will connect us with people in a way that's good for anybody. So the main thing that's the difference is not how nicely we say it but how we treat people when they don't do what we want. Now, let's hear a few of these, so we can see what kind of reactions you might get back if you openly express your heart, you try your best not to criticize not to demand, what do you get back? - "She gets excited and defends herself." - I need to hear a specific statement, because I don't know what you mean by "defends herself." What does she say? You got to be specific. For the next exercise we need to know specifically what the person says or does. See, that's your diagnosis that she's defensive. What does she say? - "Sometimes things happen and I'm not ready to leave when we agreed." - "Well sometimes things happen and I'm not ready to leave when we agreed." Ok, that's what the person says. - "I can't do that because I have a hard time connecting with people as partners." - "I can't do that because I have a hard time connecting with people as partners." - This is their response back... - Yes, what would the person respond back? - He says "Nothing I do is ever good enough." - "Nothing I do is ever good enough." -OK. Here... I guess I should go through the whole thing. She says that she "doesn't like the way I wash dishes or make the bed." - Yes. - "I feel angry and resentful." - Yes. - "I feel as I expressed because I need to be accepted for my willingness and ability to do a job the way I do it." - Yes - "I would like you to acknowledge my work positively. - "Even if I don't feel like it?" How would you like me to respond positively when an idiot could do a better job making a bed than you do?" - Ok, that's the last thing. She would say that she can't because I never do it the way it should be done. - So the problem there is with a present request. What do you want from this person? I think what you want is this: "I'd like at least some gratitude expressed for my willingness to do what I did, and if I can get at least the gratitude for that first I could better hear how would you like me to do it differently." Would that be closer? - It would be closer, but I'd still like her to accept the way that I do it. - There's "accept me", now we got to translate "accept" into a doable request. What if this person has a sense of aesthetics? You see, I can already tell what the problem is in your relationship. I already made a diagnosis, want to hear my diagnosis? - Ok. You are a slob and she's a neat. There's these two kinds of people in the world: slobs and neats. And for some reason or other they always live together. It doesn't make sense to me, you see? There is so much of this that goes on everyday about not washing the dishes, how to make a bed. I'll give away which one I am. I once cleaned the house immaculately and my partner came home and said "I thought you were going to clean." True story, so you know what I am, right? [Laughter] I wrote her a song that night that goes: "If you wonder about the cause of my domestic distress, it's that my partner is an antiseptic and I'm total mess." [Laughter] "Last night at 2am I had to go to the head [restroom] and in the time it took me, she made the bed." [Laughter] [More Laughter] There are these slobs and neats and they always get together. I have a plan for world peace: put the slobs in one hemisphere and the neats in another. - So how does that get back to needs and...? Now that you diagnosed her, how would you handle it? - It has to do probably with this. You have to say to the neat: "I'd like you to agree that there can be different ways of doing things." Is that what you want? - My solution was that I just don't do it anymore. - A typical slob solution, yes. I could have guessed that. - It worked. [Laughter] - "I would really like some acknowledgement. First I'd like some expression of gratitude for what I did. I'm not saying you have to like it, but I'd like to hear some gratitude, if it's sincere, that at least that I was trying. Second, I'd like you to agree that there can be different ways of defining what's an adequate way to make a bed. Then if after you agree to that, if you could say what your preference would be without using words that imply that it's right your way. That would be a lot easier on me." Something like that. - "You sound like you're doing something out of a book." - "You sound like you're doing something out of a book. Talk like a real person. Don't use any of this psychology crap on me." Something like that, yes, yes. Especially they're going to say that when you're a baby giraffe, because you're trying a new way, it's going to take a while, it's gonna go slowly. When I was first learning this, I was having a conflict with my oldest son and I was sounding like it was coming out of a book. I was having to stop and think everything I said and the poor guy he had his friends waiting for him and he said: "Daddy, it's taking you so long to talk." I said: "Let me tell you what I can say quickly. Do it my way or I'll kick your ass!" [Laughter] [More Laughter] He said "Take your time, dad." [Laughter] Those who knew me in my old jackal days are very patient with my sounding like I'm coming out of a book. Yes? - There's no value in changing who I am. I'm satisfied the way it is." - Yes, "There's no value in changing who I am. I'm satisfied the way I am." We can already tell that this person has heard a demand, you see? They're hearing a demand as thou you're saying you're not ok the way they are and that would be how, I bet, a person would respond if they hear demand. Different ways that people respond when they hear a demand. My preference is... for how my youngest son once responded when he heard a demand. I said "Would you please hang up your coat?" He said "Who was your slave before I was born?" [Laughter] [More Laughter] I like that way because I know he hears a demand, right? It's pretty clear. Then there's other people who it's harder to guess if they're hearing it as a demand. For example, you say to him: "Would you please come over and just sit on the couch with me and talk with me?" The person goes like this... "Ok." Now if you are smart, you'll say: "Oh no, stay away." They are hearing a demand, you see? But they are giving in. But the worst case scenario, this is the dangerous one, you see is if the person hears your request as a demand and then respond this way: "Oh sure, I'll do it." And they do it. But they did it to buy your love. They did it because they were afraid that if they didn't you wouldn't like them. Now, how will you find out? You'll find out eventually. You might find out like this one woman did, who showed up at my door... 2 in the morning. Two in the morning my door bell rings, it's pouring rain outside and this woman, not 8 months pregnant, crying. I said "Come in, come in!" I sat her down on a chair. "What's going on?" I didn't know how she got there but she told me that her mother had been in a workshop with me a month before and she had just called her mother up to tell her about what happened and the mother said "Oh, there's a man in your town that you might want to go and talk to." So that's how this woman shows up at my door at 2 in the morning. Now what was the problem? She said [sobbingly] "I just made a little request to my husband and he said 'get out!' We've been married 8 years, he's always been so loving, so kind, he's done everything I want and now he says 'get out'." Already I knew what the problem was. He was a 'yes-saying-jackal'. He hears somebody he loves wants something and he feels he has to do it to buy love, to prove that he's a loving person. And so how does she find this out? It took 8 years, but then she pays for it one night. And I know I was right. How do I know that I was right? I got him out of bed. [Laughter] Why should I be up at 2 in the morning talking to his wife, while he's sleeping? [Laughter] So I called him up and invite him over and sure enough you see, he was a 'yes-saying-jackal'. He just didn't know how to say no. So he had been giving in for all these years and finally this night he snapped. That's the way you'll find out. After 8 years she found out that he was hearing demands and lovingly giving in to them. You certainly don't want to ever receive those messages anyone that you just responded to. You never want to hear what other person thinks. Never hear what a jackal speaking person thinks. You'll live longer. So certainly after lunch we are going to say: "Do not hear what the person thought!" Whatever thoughts they expressed never hear what a jackal-speaking person thinks especially what they think about you. So we'll show you other options than that. We'll show you how never to hear criticism. We'll show you all of that after lunch. There's only two things that human beings are ever saying: "please" and "thank you". That's all human beings are ever saying. The only things is, jackal-speaking people have learned to say "please" in a suicidal way. Think about that for a moment: what else are human beings ever saying, except "please", "you're behaving in a way that isn't meeting my needs." or "my needs are not getting met by something else" "Would you please do this, to meet my needs?" We need to know how to say that well to survive in the world. When our needs are not getting met, we need to know how to say "please" in a way that makes it enjoyable for people to give it to us. All right, this morning we learned how to do that. Just learned how to say what you're feeling and needing and make a clear request. Make sure that no words come out of your mouth that imply wrongness on the part of other people. Do everything you can to promote in people the trust that when you make a request it is a request and not a demand. And that increases the likelihood that people will enjoy giving to you. So, we studied that this morning. Now, the other half of the process is how to receive from other people, what's alive in them, and what they are needing to make life wonderful, and how to receive that without hearing any criticism or demand. Just to hear what's alive in them; and we need to learn how to do this even when these other people are saying "please" in this strange way that we've been educated to say "please". You know, you were all speaking perfect giraffe for about a year. So what I'm teaching you now is really not a second language it's really your first language; I'm bringing you back to life, to nature, to your first language. So, now the other half. How do we respond to a jackal's "please" when a jackal is expressing the please this way? "The problem with you is that you are too..." That's "Please!" That person is in pain. That person has a need that isn't getting met; and isn't it sad that they only know that way to ask for it? Isn't that tragic for this person? To be saying please in a way that almost guarantees you're not going to get what you want; or if you do it's going to be motivated by fear, guilt or shame and you're going to pay for it. How sad to be educated that way. And now, of course, it would be even sadder if when the person says "please" that way you don't hear the "please", you hear a criticism. That's when we have war. Somebody in pain does their best to express it, the person on the other end hears a criticism. Let me tell you what the person that you were working on this morning, all of the messages that I heard you relate that what you predicted they might say back, here is what I heard the person saying. I heard the person you're speaking with saying this back to you: "I'm in pain." "I have a need that isn't getting met." OK? That's what the person was saying in the message that you wrote down. "I'm in pain, because a need of mine isn't getting met." Now, hear that. Put on giraffe ears and say this back to the person: "Are you feeling ...?" and guess what that person is feeling when they say what they did. "...because you are needing ...?" and guess what their need is. I'm asking you to go back to the message that you predicted you might get back, I want you to imagine the person actually says this to you, and now if you have giraffes ears on, here will be your reaction: "Are you feeling ...?", guess their feeling "...because you're needing...?", guess their need. With giraffe ears, all you can hear are feelings and needs. You can hear no criticism. A number of years ago I was working with a group of women in religious life and they had a conflict for some 15 months that was creating great pain within their community, and they asked me to help them resolve this and I suggested that we begin by having everybody express their needs. "What needs of yours are not getting met in this situation?" and after the first speaker's second word I could see why after 15 months, not only had they not been able to resolve the issue but why it was causing increasing pain. Can anybody guess what the second word was? [Inaudible] But what was the second word? First word was "I". - "I want." - "I think." "I think", yes. As soon as I heard the second word I could see why... Notice my question of them was "What needs of yours are not getting met?" And instead of an answer I got "I think". Immediately I knew: trouble. And here is what the rest of the message said. "I think that if we are to be in religious life, we must take our commitments seriously and dress as though... and dress in an appropriate way." See, I asked for a need; that's what I got back. And then, another religious sister said: "Sister I agree, but I think.... ". [Laughter] See? Fifteen months. What was the issue? The issue was whether to wear traditional clothing or not. This was the issue. Fifteen months have not been able to resolve it. In fact, great pain in that 15 months, the community was divided; but I asked "What are you needing?" and I got thoughts, thoughts. You see? So, it took me a while to teach them never to hear the thoughts. Do not hear thoughts? Only use the thoughts as a window. Look through the thoughts to the needs that are behind. Hear the needs behind, it will be a whole different world. Don't hear thoughts. They finally got it. They finally started to look through the words, the thoughts, to what was behind and then it was amazing how in a short time we resolved the conflict. My partner Ruth Bebermeyer was with me at the time and saw this miracle that comes whenever we hear through the words to what's behind them. ? I feel so sentenced by your words ? ? I feel so judged and sent away ? ? before I go I'd like to know ? ? is that what you meant to say? ? ? Before I rise to my defense ? ? before I speak in hurt or fear ? ? before I build that wall of words ? ? tell me did I really hear? ? ? Words are windows or they're walls ? ? they sentence us or set us free ? ? when I speak and when I hear ? ? let the love light shine through me. ? ? There are things I need to say ? ? things that mean so much to me ? ? If my words don't make me clear ? ? will you help me to be free?? ? If I seemed to put you down ? ? if you felt I didn't care ? ? try to listen through my words ? ? to the feelings that we share ? ? Words are windows or they're walls ? ? they sentence us or set us free ? ? When I speak and when I hear ? ? let the love light shine through me ? With your giraffe ears on, you hear the feelings behind the words; you hear the needs. Every moment we have feelings and needs, so we're hearing the truth, what's really alive in this person now it's better for you to hear only that because then you don't live in a world of criticisms or judgements. You take away all power from other people to dehumanize you, when you have giraffe ears on. You never have to worry about other people's reactions to what you say. You can be honest without fear because you know: i don't ever have to worry about how the other will respond only what ears I have on to respond to their response; but I can control that, I can't control how others respond and if I'm going to worry about something I can't control I'll become a nice dead person. I'll be afraid to reveal myself for fear. "What if they say this?" Who cares what they say! If you have giraffe years on, it's a gift; all they're saying is "Please! Please!" So, let's hear the "please" behind the message that you hear. First read off the message and than let's hear how you heard the feelings and needs behind them. - What I expect my daughter would say was: "I can't control myself when I'm so angry" - "I can't control myself when I'm so angry." - And when I thought about it, I would think I could say "Are you feeling frustrated because you are needing some other ways to express your anger?" - That's what I asked you to do, to try to hear the feelings and needs, and even if that's not accurate, notice what it does, even if it's wrong, it demonstrates a value, it demonstrates that you value what's alive in that person; that you are taking the time to try to connect with what is alive in that person. When people trust that that's what's interesting to you already we can solve anything, you see? What makes it hard to resolve things is when people feel the other person is only interested in winning. They don't care about me, they're just out to show me that I shouldn't do this. But by just stopping and trying to connect you've demonstrated a powerful value, that you value what's alive in her. Ok? Another one! Yes? - Related to my son: "Are you feeling distressed, confused, because you are needing help?" - That's the idea again, even if it's not accurate. Notice, even if it's not accurate it brings the other person's attention to their needs, gives them a chance to correct it. Better to be guessing wrong what a person's need is than to hearing what they think. You'll be living in a different world when you are trying to connect with their needs than the world you'll be living in if you hear what they think. - I need some help in addressing the feelings and needs behind the answer that I got back which was one of the things that you said, before lunch, which can be the most dangerous, when somebody... you make a request and someone says "yes I'll do that." - Ya! - Can you help me, I mean, I could guess, what I wrote down was: "Are you feeling... "...pain because you're needing recognition for the job you're doing?" - Ok. I like that. - But... -Go ahead with the but. - It feels like there's a huge leap from the response "Yes, I'll do that" to me asking that question. - Yes, it's... you're trying to sense what's really behind it. That's one of the two giraffe ways. The other possibility that would also be giraffe is to say "bullshit" in giraffe. - How do you say "bullshit" in giraffe? [Laughter] - "I'm feeling uneasy with your 'Ok'. I wish I could trust it but I don't. I'd really like you to take a moment and really tell me whether it would meet your needs to do as I requested". So that's when [how] I would guess that the OK isn't OK, so that's how I would say "bullshit" in giraffe. Giraffes are not nice; so much that I think that the violence in the world is created by nice people, so... don't mistake the words "non-violence" as "being nice". - "Are you feeling abandoned...?" - Not a feeling, it's a thought. Don't encourage jackals to think that way. - "Are you feeling afraid..." - Now we're cooking - "...because you are needing reassurance..." - Now we are cooking. - "...that I will not disappear." - ...that your needs will be taken care off. Leave yourself out of the other person's needs. They can live without you. [Laughter] All of their needs can be met without you. - "How could I satisfy your needs?" Is that... - "How could I satisfy your needs?" That's a jackal question. That kind of question, if the other person is smart they'll take the fifth amendment. [Laughter] - Yes? - This was an answer to... when my daughter said: "You sound like you're reading from a book!" - "You sound like you're reading from a book!" - And I'd say: "Are you feeling scared, separated or alienated and are you needing to be responded to in a genuine heartfelt way?" - "Yes, but you are doing it again when you do that!" [Laughter] So with such a jackal for a while, until you make clear to them why you're doing it, so they'll have less distrust of it, you would do just as you said, but silently. - Silently? - Yes. Don't think we have to do this out loud for it to be powerful. It can be powerful [even] if we don't say a word as long as where our attention is, is here. You see? You might have heard just that, but maybe not have said it out loud. That's all you can hear with the giraffe's ears on and you can hear that even if you're silent You don't have to say it out loud, you can just have heard that; but you'll show that your attention is here, from your eyes, because when we're hearing what is in a person's heart our eyes are different than when we are hearing a criticism or when we are making a criticism. You see? Our eyes... it is not subtle. Now the advantage of being able to say it out loud, is that the person can correct us if we're not accurate; but even if we don't say it out loud, we live in a diffent world when we are connecting here than when we're hearing criticism. - This is a... the question would be... that I would have asked... would be something like... "I would like you to ask me for help if you need it." - Yes, and then the person responds... - "I'm afraid of becoming a burden." - Now there's a pretty.. It's almost a giraffe response. So how do you respond to this person "I'm afraid of becoming a burden." Now, if you were a jackal you would say: "No, you wouldn't be a burden!" So, If you are a jackal you would try to reassure. Jackals try to fix people in pain. They try to give reassurance, they try to make it better, they can't stand pain. They immediately make matters worse by trying to get rid of the pain. In the book 'When Bad Things Happen to Good People' by rabbi Harold Krushner, he's talking about a very tragic time in his life, when his oldest son is dying. And he said: "What could be worse than watching my son die? What could be worse were the things that good people were telling me to make me feel better, that made me feel worse." And what could be even more horrible than that? What they were doing... what they were saying that made me feel worse were exactly the things I had been saying to other people for 20 years in my role as a rabbi." He had been responding by trying to make it better. So we don't want to do that now. This is an important message: "Well I'm afraid that I'll be a burden." So, put on giraffe ears. What is this person feeling and needing when they say that? - "Are you feeling... - Afraid. They've already told you the feeling, that's easy. So, afraid... So you're feeling afraid because why? Why are they afraid? - "...that you don't trust my offer to help?" - Now put that in a need. "You need some reassurance..." - "...that I'll really be there"? - No. "I need reassurance that if you're there, you're doing it for you and not for me." See? They want to be sure that if you're giving, you're giving out of self-fullness, not selflessness. - Now what about if you're not a hundred percent? - Don't do it! [Laughter] I would suggest you heed Joseph Campbell's advice when he, having studied all the basic myths of the world and the basic religions, concludes that if there is one wise thing that seems present in all the basic religions it's this: "Don't do anything that isn't play." Yes, don't do anything that isn't play; and it'll be play if you're meeting your own needs. So, don't do things for other people. - "Well the only right way is for..." - Hold it! Hold it! You're ears just dropped off, put your ears back on because if your ears are on you will never hear the word "right". It doesn't exist! If you hear that word it's going to be toxic. Never hear another person telling you what's right. It's not good for them, it's not good for you. OK, so just hear feelings and needs. - "Are you... - I've told you 30 times, you don't listen! My god! Can't you see this bed? - Do it yourself" [Laughter] - "I listen!" - Pardon? - "I listen! - No you don't! - I listen! - You're proving now you don't! [Laughter] - If you were listening you wouldn't say 'I listen!' " - Isn't it funny how he always comes in? - Pardon me? - It's funny how he always comes in. - Yeah. So, what's this person feeling and needing? Let me help you out. Do you want me to help you out with this jackal? Let me put up some giraffe ears here. "So jackal is it that it's frustrating when you have a certain sense of order and you'd really like to have that order maintained in the house? - Well that's a part of it! But it's not the only thing, it's that I told him over and over again! - Oh so... is it that you feel hurt because you have a need to feel like your needs matter? - Yes! It's like if what I say doesn't matter to him! He doesn't care! - Ahh, so what's really the pain for you in this is your need to feel like you matter, that your needs matter? - Yes!" [Laughter] - So, how do you feel when you hear the jackal say this? - I'm feeling...ehmm like I don't... oh, that's not a feeling. - I'm glad you catched it. - I'm feeling confused! I'm feeling confused! ... ehm... primarily because I can't identify the needs that are being expressed. - So you'd really like to be able to hear a need like that when it's really going on! - Yeah, I would like that. - "You don't act like you do. - Hold it jackal! That isn't gonna make it easier for him jackal... [Laughter] That isn't gonna make it easy... So you really... it's really painful for you. It's hard to believe that he cares enough to really matter. - Yes, you know, 'cause I told him over and over so! - So it's really for you an issue of whether your needs matter - yes!" - I'm feeling that it's not so much... ...the beds or the dishes though. I'm feeling it's something else. - "I'm just telling you what it is. It's the general fear I have that my needs don't matter to you." - How do you feel when the jackal tells you that? - Still confused. - What makes you confused about this? - Cause I don't know how to respond to those needs - What it would take is just empathy; if she could just feel the empathy that I just gave her; if you could just say: "Are you feeling in pain because you have the need for reassurance that your needs matter? - Yes, yes! I've tried to tell you that for years! You don't listen!" - I'm guessing now I'm feeling sad because I'm not meeting ..ehm... ...the needs. - Hold your sadness, she needs more empathy. This is what often happens: we get to our feelings too quickly! With my help we just got started, we just... this is not the end... There is a lot more pain in there that she needs empathy for, before she can hear your sadness, so... "Jackal, am I hearing you that for you the real painful issue here is not being confident that your needs matter. - My needs have never mattered in any relationship, not in my family and not now! - Oh. So what's real painful is for you to feel that your needs matter and this has been going on a long time. - Yes! - Hmm. - Yes! I've done everything I can, I've told him over and over again! - So you do everything you know how and when your needs still don't get responded to, it really hurts? - Yes! - hmm" Now, see, it hasn't been easy for me to give this jackal empathy. I was wanting to jump in and educate her, "but the way you're asking for it, jackal I think is gonna make it hard for people to give it to you, see?" I wanted to say that almost every time, so I had to take a deep breath and realize empathic connection before education. Now is not the time to educate, that the way you're asking for it is gonna make it pretty hard for somebody without super-powered giraffe ears to hear your needs. - A question on that: Doesn't the situation require some kind of resolution or solution... - Yes! Yes! And the resolution, the solution will find us when the connection is there. What connection? You see... Here's your wife's needs. Here's your needs. When she hears your needs without hearing any criticism or demand and you hear her needs without any criticism and demand, the solution will find you. The conflict will resolve itself. It does need to be resolved, but what most of us do is: we skip this and go right to here. For example: I sometimes do workshops just with married couples or other people living together in a love relationship. And what we do to begin the workshop we identify the couple who has had a conflict, the longest outstanding conflict that could not be resolved; [Laughter] and I make a prediction and it's right. My prediction has being accurate in al... in maybe... I'm sure at least 75% of the cases. My prediction is this: that we will resolve the conflict within twenty minutes. Within twenty minutes from the point at which both parties can tell me what the other party is needing. OK? Now, one time we've found a couple married thirty-nine years thirty-nine years at a conflict, had not been able to resolve this conflict. The wife said to me: "Marshall I can tell you right now we're not going to be able to resolve this within twenty minutes. We have a good marriage, we communicate well, but this is just one of those things that we are different people and we just have a conflict!" Then I said: "Let me correct one thing: I didn't say we're going to resolve it within twenty minutes. I said within twenty minutes from the point at which you can both tell me what the other party is needing." "Oh!" she said "Marshall, we've been married thirty-nine years and we've talked about something almost every day. I can tell you, we understand each other. The problem isn't that, we are just two different people in this issue." "Well" I said "I've been wrong before, I can sure be wrong this time; but, let's see! We'll find out within twenty minutes, so... First, tell me what his needs are in this situation! - He doesn't want me to spend any money!" he responds immediately: "That's ridiculous!" Thirty-nine years of communication! [Laughter] Now, first of all "doesn't want me to spend any money" is not a need. Needs and strategies need to be separated. They have been talking about how much money she could spend and not spend, but the most important issue was whether... ...whether who takes care of the chequebook. He unilaterally controlled the chequebook, which was really the main issue between them. You see? But that's ... I'm saying, I don't even want the couple to talk about the strategies and the solutions until the connection is there. When the connection is there, the conflicts usually resolve themselves. So I've pointed out to her: "No, that's not a need, and even if it was notice he's saying that it's not accurate." She goes "Ok, let me then tell you what his needs are, Marshall. You see, he's just like his own father: they both have a depression mentality when it comes to money ..." "Oh...", I said, "Stop! Stop! [Laughter] Now I'm hearing psycho-analytic Jackal. [Laughter] Now it's going to take another thirty-nine years if you get into that. No, I'm not asking for an analysis of his personality, I'm saying: what are his needs?" She didn't know. After thirty-nine years she had no awareness, consciousness of his needs. So I said to him: "OK, well, she doesn't know, why don't you tell her? - Well Marshall, let me tell you what her needs are: you see, she's a lovely woman, a lovely woman; a wonderful mother, a wonderful wife, but when it comes to money, she's totally irresponsible." Here comes another 39 years, you see... [Laughter] I asked for a need and he gives me a diagnosis. And of course she immediately says: "That's unfair!" I said "Hold it, hold it, hold it." So I could see they didn't have a need literacy so I had to loan them my ears. So with giraffe ears of course I'm consciouss that all judgements "she's totally irresponsible" is a tragic expression of an unmet need. You see? So if she would have had these ears they would have been able to resolve this in the first year of their marriage. But she didn't, she was taking it personally. So I helped them out: I said "When you say she's irresponsible, are you feeling frightened and need to be sure the family is protected economically?" He said: "That's exactly what I mean!" Well it wasn't what he's been saying for 39 years; but he didn't know how to say his feelings and needs. OK, so I've got his needs identified. He was scared, wanted to protect the family economically. I turned to his wife and said: "Could you tell me back what you heard him say? - But because I did, you know, one time I overdue the checkbook when we were you know first married, now he thinks... - Excuse me," Notice what her first word that she said was: "But" See, she doesn't know the cardinal giraffe rule: "Never put your 'but' in the face of an angry person." [Laughter] I said: "What are his feelings and needs? - But! - No no no no no no no... What are his feelings and needs? Want me to repeat them? - Yeah. - I hear him saying he's scared... - Well, but... - Hold it! hold it! Calm down, calm down... Hear his feelings and needs." See but after 39 years of enemy image it's not easy for somebody to shift these images. Once we get one of these images in our mind of the other person's wrongness, even when they are expressing their needs we don't hear it. These enemy images are hard to get past, you see? So she's been seeing him as cheap and having this depression mentality for 39 years. So she can't see the human being behind her image. I said "Let me repeat it again. I hear him saying he's scared because he needs to protect the family economically. Could you say back... - Yeah, he thinks I'm irresponsible." - Let's try it again..." After three more repetitions, finally, she could hear his needs and feelings separated from her judgements. Finally. Yes? - Did you try to empathize with her at any point, or did you just keep repeating his need and try to get her to... - Yes, after I had tried twice to get her to hear it, I could see she was in too much pain to hear him, so I had to do what I was just demonstrating like this. Actually I needed to give her some emergency first aid empathy, before I could pull her by the ears to get her to hear him. If after I tried two times to pull the jackal by the ears, it's hard to do that because they keep trying to bite. Then I back off: "So it really hurts when you hear criticism? - Yes! Yes, I mean blah blah blah... - Yes, so you really need to be trusted? - Yes, bla bla bla bla... - Now I'd like to repeat what he said and I'd like to have you tell me back what you heard." So I did had to do a little bit of cleaning up the mess before I could... See, every image that she's heard in the past, every criticism that she'd heard for years, that she was irresponsible, now it's hard for her to hear the need that was being expressed all along behind that. So finally I get her to hear his feelings and needs. OK, we're half way through. Now this much took me an hour. Now, I try to help her. "So could you tell me what your needs are? - Well just because I... overdrew the checkbook before, that doesn't mean I'm going to do it again." He said "Yes, but we could be out of money by then! - Excuse me, excuse me... So, you're already frustrated and if I hear you correctly, you have a need for some trust that you can learn how to handle money. - Yes! - OK. Husband, could you tell me back... - Yeah and we'll be out of money by then! - Excuse me, excuse me... Could you tell me what her feelings and needs are? Would you like me to repeat it? - Yes! - OK." [Laughter] About three more repetitions he hears her, it didn't take 20 minutes to resolve it at that point. Whenever I go into situations where there's been a lot of conflict, I don't even allow the people to talk about strategies until they're connected at the heart level. I was working with two tribes in northern Nigeria, one christian tribe and one muslim tribe. One quarter of the population killed in one year. One out of four people killed. Took my colleague 6 months to get them to agree to come into a room together. During that 6 months, 60 people killed, so by the time it took us to get everybody into a room together, 60 people killed. Now it's not husband and wife I have on opposite ends of the table, but the chiefs of two tribes. I start the same way I did with the husband and wife: "I'd like to hear you express your needs. What needs are not being met?" I'm pretty much guessing ahead of time I'm not gonna get an answer to my question, because if people had been communicating at the need level there wouldn't have been 100 people dead. So I wasn't surprised when instead of getting an answer to my question I got this back "These people are murderers!" "Well you've been trying to dominate us!" See, I asked for needs, I get back diagnosis. So just as with a husband and wife, I put my ears on translate each statement into a need. Get the other side to hear it. It wasn't easy I had to do a lot of first aid empathy to get... because like when I got this person behind murderers, was: "So you are frightened of any use of violence to resolve conflict and want some agreement to resolve it in some other way? - Yes exactly! - OK. - Could you say back what you heard? - Then why did you kill my child?" So it wasn't too easy. But anyway... It took about an hour again for me to get one need expressed, one need heard. One need expressed, one need heard. And one of the chiefs who hadn't spoken yet said to me: "If we know how to communicate this way we won't have to kill each other." See it just took one hour to see that if they can just stay connected at the heart level nobody has to die. There's plenty of resources for getting everybody's needs met. But we lose that when we get up into our head and start to analyze wrongness. Yes? - Does this need understanding develop into a... well sort of a... not necessarily give and take... but one person would give in to the other persons needs... - No, no compromising in Giraffe. Not necessary to compromise. Everybody's needs can get met. Nobody has to give in, nobody has to give anything up. Because I agree with what you have to say and especially when it comes to doing things for other people because my theory is if I do something for someone else, that gives the person power over me... - Well, let me put it this way: if you do anything that involves giving in, both people pay for it. Nothing has been resolved. It's going to create problems. - So is there a needs dialogue or a needs literacy you mentioned that... - I have the need literacy in my book. And if you want to develop your need literacy I suggest you do the following activity: First identify your most frequently used jackals, the ones you use the most and, next, the ones you are most afraid of. Do it this way: first, on a list, make a list of how you talk to yourself when you are less than perfect. And those of you over here who said you are perfect, you'll have to skip this part. [Laughter] But for those of you who aren't perfect make a list of how are you most likely to speak to yourself when you are less than perfect. So that's Jackal-list number one. Next, make a second list. What are the Jackal messages that go on in you when you are angry at others? So when you are judging others and you are angry, what are you most likely to be saying to yourself or out loud about the other person? So that's Jackal-list number two. Jackal-list number three: list those things that when other people say it at the moment you respond to defensively or agressively. And put on that list things that you have been so afraid that people might think it of you, that you've become a nice dead person to avoid it. In other words, put into that list not only what people have said that got you defensive, but things you're scared that they might say. OK, now do this exercise to build your need literacy: go back over that first list of... ...what you say to yourself when you are less than perfect. Now, for each judgement think of what might have been the stimulus for it. We've got to relate each of these to a specific context. So, say to yourself... let's say the first thing you have in your list, List number 1: "What a dumb thing to do!" OK. Think of what you might have done to stimulate that. OK. Then put on giraffe ears and hear the need behind stupid. I'm saying that all judgments are tragic expressions of unmet needs. Ask yourself: when I say that to myself in that situation: "How stupid!" What need am I expressing through that judgment? What need of mine isn't getting met? And here's where you can use the list in my book. If you can't come up with it yourself, just look through the list and your body will tell you when you're getting close. Really, because: "Ah yeah yeah. That's what my need is!" You see, the need comes much closer to the truth than any judgement you make of yourself. So do that for every item on the list. Second: what you tell yourself when you are angry at others. Again, identify concretely what the other person might have done to stimulate this. Then ask yourself this question: When I judge people as idiots for doing it, what need of mine was not being met in that situation? Again try to guess it without my list but if you can't find it look through my list to find the one that comes closest. The third list: what others say to you to get you defensive. Practice putting on the giraffe ears, imagine what you did to stimulate it, and in that situation guess what the other person's needs were that weren't getting met. So you see, it's just learning a new language. Learning where everytime there are these jackal judgements to, as quickly as possible, to bring yourself back to life. Or more specifically, connect to needs. Needs are life. Yes? - My question is: I never know what to do when I know I'm never going to meet another person's expectations of me. - Yes. Well first of all, never hear an expectation. That's thoughts, expectations are thoughts. Don't hear it. Don't even hear expectations. Hear what the need is. What is the need that the person is asking for you to meet? You don't want to live up to expectations, but it is fun to meet needs. - Do you think that human beings can always meet other people's needs if they're real? All of our needs can be met. I don't think you have to do it; there's several billion other people that can meet the other person's needs. Even if you could do it you may choose not to. And that wont be a problem. The other person can hear a "no" if they first feel empathy for their feelings and needs. That will leave them feeling at least that their feelings and needs matter. - Right. That makes sense. - Yes, but then again you have to know how to say "no" in giraffe. - That would be good for me to learn. - Well, let me help you out. Never use the following words when you are saying "no" in giraffe: "No." [Laughter] "I can't." "I don't want to." "I don't have time." "It's not possible." Now you know how not to do it right? Now here's how you do it: To say "no" in giraffe you need to be conscious that a "no" is a poor expression of a need. So say the need that keeps you from saying yes. [Inaudible request from someone] - No. [Laughter] So if you had giraffe ears on, just now, you wouldn't have heard me saying no. You would have said: "What is Marshall's need that is keeping him from saying yes?" And you might have said back to me "Marshall are you having a need for completion of other things you'd like to do right now?" You see? You would have tried to hear the need behind the "no". So what I said is, all "no's" are tragic expressions of a need. So say the need that keeps you from saying yes. Don't say "no." - The way that I have this framed I feel as though I am... ...responding to a person's expectations. So it's a work environment: "Are you feeling afraid of being held responsible for the quality and quantity of the work that I'm doing?" And this is to a supervisor. - "Are you feeling scared and need to protect yourself?" That might be the need that I hear you guessing "Are you feeling scared and need to protect yourself in this manner?" - I guess when I hear that I feel afraid because I'm inferring that there's a danger and that they have a fear of some danger. - If that is what you're guessing is alive in them you're not saying it's right. We never say "you are feeling." We always say "are you feeling?" We may be wrong, but we're trying to get clear what's going on in this person. "Are you feeling afraid and need to protect yourself?" - And taking the "my performance" part out of it. You're saying take the "me" out of the giraffe ears. - Yes, just try to hear the feelings and needs without you. We know what that is in this situation; they're talking to you about some things you've done or haven't done; so, in the context we're pretty clear what's going on. What we want to hear now is their feelings and needs. Are you feeling scared and need to protect yourself in this matter? Now if this is in many settings where... the people are not used to having feelings dealt with the other person might get very upset with having their feelings being talked about. In which case you do it silently, but if you are a giraffe you hear feelings and needs in every message. Whether you do it out loud or not. Politically we adjust when we might do it out loud, but we don't allow anything else into our consciousness except this other person's feelings and needs. - I think you said earlier that there's no compromise in giraffe communication and so I would find it instructional to know how the problem between the husband and wife was resolved and how it was a win-win situation for both of them. - First, once there is empathy, people feel that their feelings and needs matter, which is done through the empathy. You don't have the competitiveness, you don't have the charge, so here's how it went: after they both heard each other, he heard that it would really hurt for her not to be trusted... ...that she could learn; and once he felt really understood how scared he was that she would do what she did when they first got married and overdraw the account, she could hear that he wanted to protect the family. I think most six year old children could resolve the conflicts that get nations into wars in which thousands are killed if you gave the six year olds... you said look: "Here are the needs on both sides, here are the resources." I'm confident most six year olds could solve the conflict. So in this it doesn't take a genius, what did they do? She said "I want a trial period to learn how to do it." First he said: "I'm scared, because you know, you could go through a lot of money learning." So she agreed that during the trial period he would supervise her until he felt comfortable that she knew how to do it. OK, that took about seven minutes. But they hadn't been able to get to that in 39 years because of all the enemy images, the hurt and so forth. How do you deal with a situation when you have a... similar needs and you attempt to express them to each other and... you sense, as the emotions build up because of apparent competitive edge working that our mutual needs are not being heard by either of the jackals. Then you either need to get third party to give both of them the empathy they need to hear each other. So if two people are in pain, they don't know how to give themselves enough empathy to be able to hear the other side, then you need to get a third party to give the empathy to each of them so they can then hear each other. And that third party should be together with these two individuals, or separately? There are different ways to do that. If they are together, there are some advantages, but it could be to give empathy to both sides separately and then help each side to hear the other side and then bring them together. - Thank you. 2:23:18
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