Post by daniel on Oct 10, 2014 9:31:56 GMT
I have a need to share a mantra that have proven to be beneficial to me in learning tolerance and attaining a more peaceful, composed attitude towards others. Especially if the other uses jackal for day to day communication.
It helps me avoid getting up in arms and losing it. If you like a bit of neuroscience theory, it works in line with a technique called "reframing", where you try to put in your own words the other's actions or words. It is also similar to NVC, where you try to empathically connect, but much quicker and less energy hungry than reframing everything (overthinking in the process).
I used it very successfully to rid myself of anger whilst driving, but never have thought to use it in day to day interactions, especially with the family. Until yesterday. My wife produces a barage of orders, opinions, etc. and it's hard for me to cope. Even when I try using NVC and look past it, I expand all my limited cognitive energy and lose it (I would encourage you to read "Your brain at work" - it lays out the cognitive limitations of our concious thinking).
The mantra is: "You have your reasons"
Instead of trying to decifer every need of the jackal at the moment, which can be hard especially when learning, you let them do or say what they need, and understand that they have "a" need for it. Whatever that need is, you will be able to let them have that need, and if you can't understand it straight away, you still have the mental capacity to connect with your heart and allow it to sink in on your terms. I think that it allows me to find the space "between right and wrong" as per a quote shared by Marshall.
The other thing that I avoid is creating more stress for the jackal by using my "funny" language, which can be annoying to them.
To sum up, the benefits for me are:
- saving my mental capacity for decision making
- avoiding an uncontrolled emotional response
- it's effortless to me
- avoids escallation
- allows me the space for projecting love towards the jackal
- allows me to keep my autonomy without mentally submitting to attempts of control (by the action of rebelling to those attempts)
- is a shortcut for reframing, before I learn all the possible reasons for jackals words or actions.
- makes me seem more tolerant of others - I allow them just to be them.
A few years ago I did a lot of driving - delivering. It was stressful often, when I got upset all the time. I can't remember what made me come up with the mantra, but since then, I have rarely had an issue with getting angry at other drivers, which allows me to focus on the road and drive safely. One thing I must say is: I put a post it not on the dashboard for quite a while until it became second nature. It's easy to forget.
I hope this is of help, and that you may find this beneficial.