But first let me begin by clarifying the purpose of non violent communication. Its purpose is to help you to do what you already know how to do. Now why do we need to learn something today what you already know how to do. Because, sometimes we forget to do this. We forget, because we’d been educated to forget. Now, what is it that I’m talking about that we already know how to do? The purpose of this process is to help us to connect in a way that makes natural giving possible. Natural giving possible. What do I mean by natural giving? Let me do you a song to make it clear, what I mean by natural giving.
I never feel more given to, and when you take from me When you understand the joy I feel, caring for you And you know my giving isn’t done to put you in my debt But because I want to live the love I feel for you.
To receive with grace, may be the greatest giving There’s no way that I can separate the two When you give to me, I give you my receiving And when you take from me, I feel so given to
You all know that giving. You know how to do it. And that’s what I’m interested in. And remembering to stay with that quality of giving, moment by moment in any connection. But we also know that it’s easy to lose it. It’s easy to lose that connection, so instead of enjoying that quality of giving, that is possible in every moment in every contact we have. Inspite of how precious that is we forget. And instead of playing the game which that song is about which I call “making life wonderful”. That’s the most fun game I’ve ever heard. instead, much of the time, we play another game, called: who’s right? Have you ever played that game? <audience laughter> It’s a game where everybody loses. Isn’t this amazing that we all know of the quality of giving which the song was about. It’s possible every moment, we find that the richest thing to do, and much of our life we end up playing who’s right. Now the game of who’s right involves two of the most devious things, human beings have ever come upon: one, punishment. See, cause if you’re wrong in the game of who’s right, then you deserve to suffer. Can you imagine a more diabolical concept to educate people? So, if you haven’t already abstained from punishment, I’m sure that by the end of the day, it will no longer be a part of your consciousness. No more punishment. You won’t do it in your families, we’ll get rid of it with criminals, it just makes things more violent. We’ll find other ways to deal with other nations, besides punishment. No more punishment. No more reward. It’s the same game. It’s part of the game of who’s right. If you’re right you get rewarded, if you’re wrong, you get punished. No more. No more. It’s created enough violence on the planet. No more guilt induction. No more shame. No more concepts of duty and obligation. Just what the song is about. Natural giving. So, how did we get off target? We got off target according to Walter Wink, theologian, who writes in his book “the powers that be”, we got off target about five thousands years ago. We got off target because we started to get some wild thinking. Wild thinking that human beings are innately evil. When you believe that the human beings are innately evil then if things aren’t going as we would have liked, what’s the corrective process? The corrective process is penitence, you see. When people are evil, you think that the way to bring about change, when people are behaving in a way you don’t like is to make people hate themselves for what they’re doing. So for these political reasons and theological reasons we started to develop a language that I call jackal language. Language that cuts us off from life, and makes it very easy to be violent. In fact in that book I’d mentioned, Wink says that in domination cultures, one of the things that you have to educate people, is to make violence enjoyable. And we’ve done a good job of that. We make violence enjoyable in our culture. The two hours a night, from seven to nine, when children are watching television the most, in seventy five percent of the programmes they watch, the hero either kills somebody or beats them up. You see, so we… And when does this happen? At the climax of the programme. We’ve been educated for quite a while to make violence enjoyable. So even though I think that the song was about is what’s really closer to our nature, this natural giving, we’ve been educated to make violence enjoyable, and educated in a way we can even be violent to our children. So what is jackal language like? See, jackal language is as I’ve mentioned, is a language of moralistic judgements. You think in terms of who’s right, who’s wrong, who’s good, who’s bad. And when you mention change, yes, we want change at times. So how do you get change in the jackal system? Watch a parent bring about change in a child. This is a parent teaching a child one of the most important words in jackal. Say you’re sorry. I’m sorry. You’re not really sorry, I can see it, you’re not really sorry. <crying> I am sorry. OK, I forgive you. Can you imagine a game like that? Can you imagine a parent responding to a child that way? And if a parent is going to do that to a child in their own family, what are they going to do to people in other cultures, that are behaving in a way they don’t appreciate? So, of course you are going to have violence wherever you have this kind of thinking. In cultures that do not have this kind of thinking, you don’t see violence. So, that’s how we got off target. Even though we could play the game “make life wonderful” in each moment, we have been educated for quite a while, to play another game, “who’s right”. So, what are the parts of this game of who’s right? I’ve just mentioned one of them. One part is moralistic judgements. Learning to go up to our head, and think basically in terms of right and wrong. Good and bad. Normal, abnormal. I learned this game very well, I speak several dialects of jackal. I grew up in Detroit. We spoke a rather harsh dialect of jackal, we might call it Detroit jackal. For example, if I’m out driving, and someone is driving in a way that I don’t like, and again I want to install change, you see. I roll down the window. Idiot! <laughter> Now theoretically the person is supposed to repent. <laughter> I confess, I was wrong sir, I will change the err of my ways. It’s a great theory, it didn’t work. I’ve tried it more than once, it doesn’t work. So I thought maybe it was that this particular dialect of jackal, so I decided to get more cultured use of jackal, so I went into the university and got a doctor’s degree in professional jackal. <laughter> Now, when I see someone driving in a way I don’t like, I roll down the window. Psychopath! <laughter> Still doesn’t work. There’s another part of this language of jackal, amtssprache. That’s very important, you see, a language that denies choice. Denies responsibility for our actions. I use the word amtssprache for this part, having read an interview with the natzi war criminal, Adolf Eichmann. At his trial for war crimes in Jerusalem, Eichmann was asked: was it hard to send tens of thousands of people to their death? And Eichmann answered candidly: to tell you the truth, it was easy. Our language made it easy. That answer shocked his interviewer. And his interviewer said: what language? Eichmann said: in fact, my fellow natzi officers and I, we had our own name for our language. We called it amtssprache. Amt in German means office, and sprache, language, I call that bureaucratic language. He was asked for some examples. Eichmann said: It’s a language in which you deny responsibility for your actions, so, if somebody asked you why you did it, you say: I had to. Then you don’t feel so bad if you had to do it, you are not responsible. But why did you have to jackal? Superior’s orders, company policy, they made me do it. I couldn’t do elsewise. Very dangerous language, amtssprache. Very dangerous. We have giraffe schools. I use the word giraffe, you see as a symbol for nonviolence. We’ll see today that the language we’re going to study is the language of the heart, and so I use giraffe language for that, because giraffes have the largest heart of any land animal.
Giraffe requires always being conscious of choice. We never do anything that we don't choose to do. But I was teaching giraffe to a group of parents and teachers in one community. And we have giraffe schools throughout the world. We have five in Israel, four in Palestine, some in Serbia, and so forth. And in giraffe schools of course we want to make sure that certainly that the teachers and parents never use amtssprache. One of the most dangerous languages in the world, to teach a child - you have to do something. So I was saying this one time in St Louis, Missouri, to a group of parents and teachers. A mother got very upset; she said: "but there are things you have to do, whether you like to do it or not! It’s our job as parents to teach our children what they have to do! I mean there’s things I do every day that I hate to do, but there just are some things you have to do!” Well, I said, could you give me an example? She said, “well, easy, there’s so many. Let me think. OK, like, when I leave here tonight, I have to go home and cook. I hate to cook. I hate it with a passion, but I’ve done it every day for twenty years. Even when I’ve been sick.” Well, I said, I’d be very happy today to show you another way of thinking. Another language, that I hope would open up happier possibilities for you. Well, I’m pleased to report, she was a rapid giraffe student. She went home that very evening, and announced to her family that she no longer wanted to cook. I got some feedback from her family. Feedback came two weeks later, when I swung through that city again and was doing an evening workshop. And who shows up, her two older sons. She had four sons. They came up at the beginning to introduce themselves. I said, hey, I’m glad you guys came up here, I had been very curious what’s going on in your family. Your mother’s been calling me regularly, telling me about all the changes she made in her life since the training. Like, what happened that first night when she came home and announced, that she no longer wanted to cook? The older son said to me: Marshall, I said to myself, thank God! I said, help me understand that one. He said, I said to myself, now maybe she won’t complain at every meal, you see. You see, natural giving, what I started the day off with that song. Anything we do in life that isn’t coming out of that energy, we pay for it, and everybody else pays for it. Anything that we do out of fear of punishment if we don’t, everybody pays for it. Anything we do for a reward, everybody pays for it. Everything we do to make people like us, everybody pays for it. Everything we do out of guilt, shame, duty, obligation, everybody pays for it. That isn’t what we were designed for. We were designed to enjoy giving. To give from the heart. Marshall, I’m over here. My son brought me to one of your seminars, and I met you some ten years ago, in Oakland. Now I’m trying to bring my son back. I’m here and he said last night, when I told him I was coming here, he said: well why don’t you go ahead and have a couple of appointments, maybe you could teach me something. So, I thought I would come to learn something, maybe I can teach him. But I’d like to teach him, and I don’t know how to do that. I’d like to teach him to at least give me the time of day to communicate with him. He doesn’t do that willingly. When I try to demand it, it becomes worse. Yes. So, how do I do that? well, we’re gonna… That would be a good situation to work on today, cause I’m gonna ask everyone to think of a situation right now, where somebody’s behaving in a way you don’t like, so in this case it’s your son who when you ask him to communicate he says no. The first thing I suggest is you can’t teach anybody anything. That’s right. And to have that as an objective is itself to create problems, so lets change the objective. Let’s never try to teach anybody anything, or to change anybody. If that’s your objective, you’ll create resistance. So that will be my first suggestion today. Never try to teach anybody anything or to change anybody. That clear? Yeah. OK. So, what do you do then, give up? No, hold on, hold on. See this is the thinking that’s been shaped in us by jackal, see, the game of who’s right, win, lose. So then, if we can’t change and win, then the option we think of is to be a chump and lose, you see. We’d been educated to think in those two ways, win, lose. Right, wrong. No, I’ll show you a way, another option. OK, let’s get into it. Let’s give you a chance to practice it. Some of you’ve already thought of a situation, such as somebody you want very much to communicate with, and they say no. So. Think of somebody at the moment, who is behaving in a way that is not making life wonderful for you, and you’d like to get to the place, what the song was about. Where everybody’s needs can get met, and people are giving to one another from the heart, willingly. Not out of coercion you see. Let see if we can show you a process to get there in this situation. To get everybody’s needs met, and where people give willingly, not out of any coercion. So, maybe you were living at home, maybe you choose today to work on a child that you were living with at home, who says horrible, horrible jackal things such as “no”. Oh, you laugh, you tried living with one for a while. Please brush your teeth. No! Maybe you were living at home with a jackal speaking partner, who says horrible jackal things such as: That hurts me when you say that. We’ll see today that it’s a violent act to say others make you feel as you do. To imply that others can make you feel hurt, or angry. Maybe at work somebody’s behaving in a way you don’t like. They come late. They’re not producing as well as you would like. Maybe your next door neighbour has been sexually molesting children. Whoever you want to pick. Somebody’s been behaving in a way you don’t like. And you’d like to see how we would arrive at the objective of creating the quality of connection that would get everybody’s needs met through natural giving. That’s our objective. OK. Now, open up your materials to the last page, second to the last page. At the top it says, expressing how we are and what we would like. And it says under A, think of someone, who does something that makes life less than wonderful for you. So this person that I’m asking you to think about who’s presently behaving in a way, you’re not crazy about. And what I’d like you to do is answer this question; write here one thing that the person does, that you don’t like. We’re gonna work on one specific action, that the person does that you don’t like. To get you familiar with the process today. Maybe the person does several things, but we’re gonna show you how the process works by showing you how to communicate with the person about one specific thing they do. So wright under A one thing this person does, that you don’t like. Now, when I was here in San Francisco working with the school system back in the seventies, the superintendent of the school asked me to go into an elementary school. He said the parents are complaining about the quality of the relationship between the teachers and the administrator, they said the tension in the school is so great that the parents want to take their children out of the school. So he asked if I would go in and see if I could open up better communication between the staff and the administrator. The plan was I would meet first with the teachers and then get the teachers and the administrator together. My meeting with the teachers I started with the question, that I just asked you. I said to the teachers, can you tell me one thing, that the administrator does, that makes it hard for you to work with him. I was asking for an observation, a concrete behaviour. What is one thing he does. The first teacher to respond said this: He has a big mouth. Now can you see the difference between the question I asked and the answer I got. I did not ask, what size mouth does the principal have? So this teacher was giving me an evaluation, an analysis that implies wrongness, you see. We’d been so trained to think that way, that sometimes we can’t separate fact and opinion. All we see is our enemy image. Whether it’s an individual or a nation, we had been trained to think in enemy images. Wrongness. It obscures reality. We don’t see the behaviour. We just see our enemy image. In his book, Out of weakness, Andrew Shmookler says, that when cultures are taught to think this way, not to just see the person, but an image, a judgement they’ve made, bombs are never far away. So I pointed this out to the gentleman that this was not an answer to my question. I wanted to know one thing that the principle did. This man was stuck, he just couldn’t get it. A woman sitting next to him tried to help, she said: well I know what he’s referring to. I said, OK, help him out, what’s one thing that the principal does? He talks too much. No, too much, is a judgement, I asked for an observation, not a judgement. See, this is how jackal speaking people think. They really had been brought up to think there is such a thing as a just right amount of everything.
Post by Leehamster.com on Sept 29, 2014 6:11:44 GMT
could you put the times down that you're gunna be transcribing up to? so i could help with this? we'll take some time slots and work on this together =) i was about to start from 12:29 you see! haha if you do up to 30 mins in the video i'll do up to the hour =D you can work on however much after that hour... if that makes sense?
could you put the times down that you're gunna be transcribing up to? so i could help with this? we'll take some time slots and work on this together =) i was about to start from 12:29 you see! haha if you do up to 30 mins in the video i'll do up to the hour =D you can work on however much after that hour... if that makes sense?
OK Lee. I will finish this one up to 30min, then start at 1 hour and finish at 1:30 and so on. cheers
And too much and too little, and that they know what it is. So they think that way. Doesn’t make resolving conflicts too easy with them, when people have an idea that there’s a right and a too much and too little, and they know what it is. And especially when they mix it up with an observation. I was just asking what does the person do and again for the second time, this person couldn’t see the behaviour separate from the judgement. A third person tried to help. Well I know what they’re talking about. OK what? He thinks he’s the only one that has anything worth saying. No telling me what you think he thinks. It is an evaluation you’re making of what you think is going on in his head? I was asking for what does he do? A fourth woman said: he wants to be the centre of attention all the time. I said, now you’re giving me a judgement or a diagnosis of his motives. Even if it’s accurate, it’s a diagnosis of his motives, it’s not an observable behaviour. My question was: what does he do? Now the entire faculty sits there quiet. Nobody can answer the question. And one of the women said to me: boy Marshall, that’s hard to do. Yes, in fact the philosopher, Krishnamurti says: to observe without evaluating is the highest form of human intelligence. So those of us who have been taught to think in these enemy images. Immediately to think: right, wrong, good, bad, normal, abnormal, appropriate, inappropriate, too this, too that, we can’t see reality. All we see is our enemy images. Well with great help, with great effort on my part, I finally got them to get rid of the images and answer this simple question: what does he do? There was several things, but the one that they wanted particularly to start working with him on was this: that during their once a week faculty meetings, regardless of what was on the agenda, he would relate it to a war experience or a childhood experience and the average meeting lasted twenty minutes longer than it was scheduled. OK, that answered my question of what he did. He talked about war experiences, childhood experiences, rather than sticking to the agenda. I said, have you called that to his attention? Well, we can see now that when we tried to talk to him about it, these other judgements get mixed in and he gets defensive. So they thought it would be a good idea to talk to him about it, but they asked if I would be at the meeting just in case. So I attended their next staff meeting and I saw rather quickly what they were talking about. Because almost as soon as an issue came up, the principal would say: oh, that reminds me of a time, and he would start to tell a story. And I was waiting for somebody to confront him on this in giraffe, but instead of that there was a lot of non verbal jackaling going on. People were going like this, rolling their eyes, poking the person next to them, yawning, looking at their watches, holding the watches up to the ear. And I watched this scenario going on for a while and I said: excuse me, but, isn’t somebody going to say something? Now there’s a silence, and the man who spoke up in our first meeting, I could just see him getting his courage up. He looks at the principal and says: Ed, you have a big mouth. So, let’s see if whether what you wrote down answered the question I asked: is it an observable behaviour, or did you mix in any evaluation, and my two friends here will help us to make this evaluation. This animal has been taught, somewhat like a police dog to sniff out narcotics. if there is any jackal mixed in, he will howl. If you answered the question, this animal will dance. So sir, what did you write down? My dad blames my wife… howl! ...for my choices. He does what? My dad blames my wife, for my choices. Yes, blames is a judgement. That’s already putting evaluation to it. Dad, do you see yourself as blaming? No, I see myself as calling attention to the facts. So see, dad doesn’t see that as blaming. No, I’m educating. Thank you dad. Yes, OK. So, how do we say it. See, we need a direct quote. To make it an observable behaviour, we need to say: my father says, what? All of his problems… You are responsible for all of his problems. He says this to the wife: You are responsible for all of his problems. That’s it. OK. That’s a direct quote. That’s what he says. That’s giraffe language, you made a direct quote. OK. See, as soon as you see, have the word blame in your consciousness, it’s going to change the whole energy with which you approach the person. Because you’re basically making a judgement of them as blaming you. Which everybody knows is wrong. Yes. I have the mike. Lately my son is not doing his history homework.
Post by Leehamster.com on Oct 13, 2014 14:13:45 GMT
OK! after all the work ive been doing setting up the new studio/ office for work i do from home... IM READY TO START THIS! wana get this bitch done!
i looked into downloading the auto script... but it doesnt come up with any options to download. Just giving this more time & attention now... looking into it. i'll start the transcribing when ive gotten somewhere with this!
But now, that word love is so important, that we got to get real clear what we mean about it when we use it as giraffe. Watch what happens when a giraffe and a jackal get together on this love, see. Watch this jackal ask a very dangerous question. But notice that the giraffe is too smart ever to answer this question, watch. Do you love me? Jackal, before I can answer your question honestly, I need to get some important things clear. Are you using the word love as a feeling? Well, of course. OK, well I needed to get that clear, so you mean, am I feeling certain warm, cuddly, tender feelings toward you? Yes. OK, I needed to get this clear, because we giraffes do not use the word love as a feeling. It’s much too important to us to get it confused with a feeling. It’s a need for us. But since you use it as a feeling, OK, I’m glad to know that, so would you please then, now that I know that, would you ask the question again? Do you love me? When? When?? Well, I want to be honest. I can see how important this is to you, but how can I be honest with you about what I feel toward you without reference to a specific moment? Feelings change every few seconds. Life is changing. Feelings are part of life, so I’d have to know a specific time and place to ever answer your question of how I feel. What about right now? No, but try me again in a few moments. So you see, to a giraffe, love is a need and it’s a need for which we must be very clear about what requests do we have of other people to meet that need. Now, watch again, what happens with reference to that word if we are in a love relationship with a jackal. I want you to love me. So you have a need for love, jackal, and you’re giving me the honour of wanting me to meet that need? Yes. I really see how important the need of love is, so I want to be clear, what you would like from me to meet your need. Could you tell me, what you are requesting of me to meet your need? Now the poor jackals, they don’t live in the moment, you see. And to make a clear request, you have to live now, you have to be clear what you want. So watch how the jackal handles this. Could you tell me what you want me to do to meet your need for love? Oh, you know. I’m not sure I do. I really see how important this need is for you, so can you tell me specifically what you would like me to do to meet your need for love. Well, it’s hard to say in so many words. If it’s hard for you to say jackal, can you see how hard it will be for me to do? I never thought of that. So what would you like me to do to meet your need for love? It’s embarrassing to get clear. Yes, it is, because much of our oppression in close relationships comes from saying to people I want you to respect me, I want you to love me, I want you to understand me without our being real clear about what we want when we say that. So what are you wanting jackal when you say you want me to love you? I want you to guess what I want before I even know what it is. And I want you always be willing to do it. Thank you for defining it that way jackal. Would you please find someone else to meet your need for love. Most jackals that carry that definition of love around with them find out how impossible it is to meet on about their fifth divorce. See, they keep thinking that they are going to find the right person to love them, not realising the problem is how they are defining love, and what they want from other people to meet their need for love. To see that it’s impossible to meet that need. Which brings us to the next step in the process. How to make clear requests after we have expressed our unmet need. And a clear request defined in giraffe, first is a positive action. We say what we do want, not what we don’t want. So a woman gave me a very good example of what happens when you say what you don’t want. In a workshop she said, you really helped me understand what happened recently Marshall. I said to my husband: I don’t want you spending so much time at work. And then I got furious with him, when he signed up for a golf tournament. A teacher gave me a similar example, she said, just yesterday Marshall, I said to this young boy: please, I don’t want you tapping you on your book while I’m talking. He started to tap on his desk. Saying what we don’t want doesn’t make clear what we do want. But worse than that, if we frame our objectives in getting rid of something, it leads to violence very often. It makes violence seem attractive when we try to get rid of something. For example, I was working with some teachers in a school in Rockford, Illinois. Their observable behaviour they wanted to work on, is on average, every three months, thirty eight broken windows in the school. So we got down to the request, I said: what do you want different from the students? It’s obvious, we don’t want them breaking windows. So you don’t want the children breaking windows? Yes, what should we do? Kill them. Research has demonstrated, dead children break no windows. Almost any time we think of what we want to get rid of it makes violence look attractive and as stupid as that example was I just gave you, look in a newspaper on any given day and see how many world leaders are saying we’re going to teach them not to, we’re going to get them to stop. And they think violence is going to… See it always makes violence seem attractive. It’s only as I said earlier, when we get two questions clear, what do we want people to do? And what do we want their reasons to be for doing it? Then I think we’ll see, violence never works. OK, so we want to say, what we want to say in the positive. What do we want the other person to do. What we want them to start doing differently. And second, that it needs to be clear action language. We can’t do what this one wife did with her husband who came to a workshop with him. She said: I want you to listen to me when I talk. He said: I do listen. No, you don’t. Yes, I do. No, you don’t. They told me they’d had the same conversation for eleven years. The problem is with the word listen. What does that? We can use the word listen as a need. I have a need to be listened to. But when we move to requests, we need to speak action language. What specific actions do we want this person to take? We can’t use the verb“to be”. I want you to be more friendly. Not doable. We can’t use feeling language. I want you to feel confidence in yourself. That’s not doable. So we need to be able to make very concrete requests. Try it out with what’s under “D” there. In relation to what the other person did and your feelings, and needs, and in relation to the action, imagine you’re talking directly to the person, and express a request using this form: I would like you to….. What do you want the person to do to meet your needs. I want you to obey my instructions. Let’s use the words: I want you to do, what I told you to do. I want you to do what I told you to do. And if you were a giraffe, you would give that to the person with a little card that said: but please, do as I requested only if you can do so with the joy of a little child feeding a hungry duck. Please do not do as I request if there is any fear of punishment motivating you. Please do not do as I request, out a hope for a reward, or that I will like you if you do. Please do not do as I request out of guilt, shame, duty, obligation. Life is too short to do anything for anybody out of that. So, what I’m getting at is, when we do make a request, we wanted to be sure that the person trusts that it’s a request and not a demand. So, we’ll come back to that, but let’s just work on the clarity of that request to begin with. Yes, so what is your request? I would like you to do what was agreed upon. Give me the space to complete my thoughts. Too vague, give me the space. Let me complete… Let me is not doable. Let me show you what I mean. A woman said to her husband came to a workshop. I want you to give me the freedom to be myself. He says, I do. No, you don’t. I said, hold it, hold it. Give me the freedom is not doable. Let me? No, that’s not doable. Allow me? No, that’s not doable. What do you want from him when you say: give you the freedom to be yourself? It’s embarrassing, yes. What, say it? Well, it’s embarrassing. Say it out loud. What do you want when you say all of that? I want him to smile and say it’s OK, no matter what I do. OK, now you’re honest. You see, so what do you want? I want to express myself. Yes, you can do that. Nobody can stop you from expressing yourself. Well, I’m getting interrupted. You want the other person to wait until you finish speaking. Yes. Before starting. Yes. OK, that’s a doable action. So, how do we know? You can only tell if it’s a request or a demand from how I treat you if you don’t do it. That’s what tells people we are making requests or demands. What is their memory of how we act, when we don’t get what we want. If people have in their memory any punishment on our part in the past when they don’t do what we want, any blame, it will now be hard for them to trust that we’re making a request, and not a demand. It will take the joy out of giving to us. So let’s follow that example a little bit more for me to show you what I mean. So, I say to you, I’m really lonely this evening and have a need for some company. Would you be willing to spend the evening with me? And you say: Marshall, I’m really preoccupied with some things at work and would really need some space to myself this evening. Could you find someone else to be with you this evening? And here’s my reaction…… Two days later….. You. What’s the matter? Nothing. You, come on, what’s the matter? You knew how lonely I was? If you love me? Now, is it a request or a demand? So, we can’t tell from how nicely it’s asked. We need to see, how the person treats us, when we don’t do what they want. That’s when we trust that they make requests and not demands. So, we are going to pay, for every time in the past, when we used any coercive means to get what we wanted. So now at least we don’t want to pay for it anymore. We want to be sure, that whenever we make a request, it is a request. Now, that doesn’t mean that the other person will trust it, even if it is, because unfortunately, there’s been so much coercion in our world, that even if we are making a sincere request, the other person might hear a demand. I was working in one school system with a group of students at a school district labeled as socially, and emotionally maladjusted. Now, from what you’ve learned today, was that a jackal school system, or a giraffe school system? Yes. It sounds like in your example, that the person was really disappointed. Really let down. Not let down. That’s a diagnosis. They’re really disappointed, really hurt. OK. So, how could they have expressed that, without it being a demand, but not suppressing the fact that they are really disappointed. They could say: so you have a lot to do right now, and that it would really meet your need to be by yourself. Yeah. And, the kind of mood I’m in right now, I really trust that you would meet it better than anybody else I know. Is there some way that we could find to get your work done and still meet my need for connection tonight? That’s what we call dogging for our needs. That shows respect for the other person’s needs. I’m not trying to use any guilt or manipulation, right. I’m just trying now to find a way to get everybody’s needs met. OK? What if the person can’t find replacement? If the person cannot think of somebody to replace them, it will not be a problem. It will only be a problem if I put on these ears, and receive in what they said a rejection. See, if I hear a rejection, that’s the problem. Is it not OK to say I’m disappointed? You can say: I’m disappointed as long as you don’t say: You disappoint me, and as long as you don’t stop after saying “I’m disappointed”. See, I’m disappointed. That’s just another way of saying you disappointed me. I’m disappointed. We always have to end a feeling, and at the very end of it there is going to be a request. We don’t just say: I’m disappointed. We have to say, we’d have to take responsibility for asking for what we want. Given the other person has this other need. OK, what do you want then from them. Well, the jackal doesn’t like that game. They don’t like to have to be responsible for what they want; they’d rather say: Well, if they love me… you see, if they were any kind of friend… I think it’s only fair that they. They want to control by guilt, shame. So, the school district asked me to work with these students that were labelled socially and emotionally maladjusted. Poor school system doesn’t realise that labels lead to self fulfilling prophecies. When you label people that way, they’re going to behave that way. Come on, be honest. If you were labelled socially and emotionally maladjusted, if you were one of those students, doesn’t that give you permission to have fun in school? Labels lead to self fulfilling prophecies. So I knew it was going to be a rough day just by that label. So when I walked into the classroom it already starts. Half of the students are hanging out the window, screaming obscenities at their friends in the courtyard down below. So I made a request: excuse me, I would like you all to come on over and sit down please. I would like to tell you who I am and what I would like to do today. Half the students come over. I wasn’t sure the other half had even heard me, so I repeated it: would you all please come over? Now everyone comes over with the exception of two young men. Just my luck, the two that didn’t come over, the biggest ones in the classroom. And again I wasn’t too sure they’d heard me. I was praying it just might be a problem with acoustics, so I said: would one of you two gentlemen tell me please what you heard me say? Yeah, you said we had to come over and sit down. You see the problem? I make a request, he hears a demand. So I said: sir… I have learned to always use sir with people who have biceps like he did, especially with a tattoo on top of the biceps. I said: sir could you tell me how I could have let you know what I was requesting so it wouldn’t sound like I was telling you what you had to do? He said: huh? See, that’s a radical paradigm shift for somebody who’s been educated under domination conditions. Domination structures, where authorities claim to know what’s right, you have to do it or else. You see, so it’s a radical paradigm shift in giraffe schools where people don’t make demands. They just make requests, so I realised that this is not going to be easy with this gentleman. He’s probably carrying with him a lot of traces of being punished when he doesn’t do what other people want. Or blamed. I’m not expecting him to give it up like that. So I said: sir, how could I let you know that I was requesting something of you without it sounding like I was bossing you around? I don’t know. I said: just what’s happening between you and me right now is much that I wanted to talk about today. I was wanting to look at a way we could interact, where nobody bosses others around. I didn’t expect life to be so easy, but it was all he needed. He trusted at that point that I wasn’t trying to tell him what to do, and he came over and we had a very cooperative day. But as long as people hear our request as demands they have only two choices: submission or rebellion, and neither of us are going to connect us with people in a way that’s good for anybody. So, the main thing that’s the difference is not how nicely we say it, but how we treat people, when they don’t do what we want. Now, let’s hear a few of these so we can see what kind of reactions you might get back. If you openly express your heart, you tried your best not to criticise, not to demand. What do you get back? She get’s excited and defends herself. I need to hear a specific statement, because I don’t know what you mean by defends herself. What does she say? Got to be specific. For the next exercise we need to know specifically what the person says or does. See, that’s your diagnosis that she’s defensive. What does she say? Sometimes things happen and I’m not ready to leave when we agreed. Well, sometimes things happen and I’m not ready to leave when we agreed. OK, that’s what the person says. I can’t do that because I have a hard time connecting with people as partners. I can’t do that because I have a hard time connecting to people as partners. This is the response back. Yes, what the person responded back. He says: nothing I do is ever good enough. Nothing I do is ever good enough. OK. Guess I should go through the whole thing. She says: she doesn’t like the way I wash the dishes or make the bed. Yes. I feel angry and resentful. Yes. I feel as I expressed because I need to be accepted for my willingness and my ability to do a job the way I do it. Yes. I would like you to acknowledge my work positively. Even if I don’t feel like it? How would you like me to respond positively when an idiot could do a better job making a bed than you do? OK, that’s the last thing. She would say: She can’t because I never do it the way it should be done. The problem there is with the present request: what do you want from this person? I think what you want is this: I’d like at least some gratitude expressed for my willingness to do what I did. And if I could get at least the gratitude for that first I could better hear, how you would like me to do it differently. Would that be closer? It would be closer, but I’d still like her to accept the way that I do it. There’s accept me. Now we need to translate accept into a doable request. What if this person has a sense of esthetics? You see, I can already tell what the problem is in your relationship. I’ve already made a diagnosis. Want to hear my diagnosis? You are a “slob” and she’s a “neat”. There’s these two kinds of people in the world: slobs and neats, and for some reason or another they always live together. It doesn’t make sense to me. There’s so much of this goes on everyday about how to wash the dishes, how to make the bed. I’ll give away which one I am. I once cleaned the house immaculately. And my partner came home and said: I thought you were going to clean. True story! So, you know what I am, right? I wrote her a song that night that goes: if you wonder about the cause of my domestic distress it’s that my partner is antiseptic and I’m a total mess. Last night at 2am I had to go to the head. In the time it took me, she made the bed. So, there are these slobs and neats and they always get together. I have a plan for world peace: put the slobs in one hemisphere, the neats in the other. So how does that get back to needs, now that you’ve diagnosed it. It has probably to do with this: you have to say to the neat. I’d like you to agree that there can be different ways of doing things. Is that what you want? My solution was that I just don’t do it anymore. Well, a typical slob solution. I could have guessed that. It worked. I really would like some acknowledgement. First I’d like an expression of gratitude for what I did. I’m not saying you have to like it, but at least I’d like to hear some gratitude, if it’s sincere, that at least I was trying. Second I’d like you to agree that there can be different ways of defining what is an adequate way to make a bed. Then if after you agree to that, if you could say what your preference would be without using words that imply that it’s right your way. That would be a lot easier on me. Something like that you see. Where is it, um… You sound like you’re doing something out of a book. You sound like you’re doing something out of a book. Talk like a real person. Don’t use any of this psychology ******it on me, something like that. Yes, yes, yes. Especially they’re going to say that when you’re a baby giraffe, you know, because you’re trying a new way. It’s going to take a while, and it’s going to go slowly. When I was first learning this, I was having a conflict with my oldest son, and I was sounding like it was coming out of a book. I was having to stop and think. Everything I said. The poor guy, he had his friends waiting for him, and he said: daddy it’s taking you so long to talk. I said: let me tell you what I can say quickly: do it my way or I’ll kick your ass! He said: take your time dad. Those who know me in my old jackal days are very patient with my sounding like I’m coming out of a book. Yes. There’s no value in changing who I am. I’m satisfied the way it is. Yes, there’s no value in changing who I am. I’m satisfied the way I am. We could already tell that this person heard a demand. They’re hearing a demand as though you are saying that they’re not OK the way they are. And that would be how I would bet a person would respond if they hear a demand. Different ways that people respond when they hear a demand. My preference is for how my youngest son once responded when he heard a demand. I said, would you please hang up your coat? He said, who was your slave before I was born? I like that way, because I know he hears a demand. Then it’s pretty clear. Then there’s other people who, it’s harder to guess if they’re hearing it as a demand. For example, you say to them: would you please come over and sit on the couch with me and talk with me? The person goes like this. OK. Now if you’re smart, you will say: oh, no, stay away. They’re hearing a demand, but they’re giving in. But the worst case scenario, this is a dangerous one, is if the person hears your request as a demand, and they respond this way: oh, sure, sure, I’ll do it. And they do it. But they did it to buy your love. They did it, because they were afraid that if they didn’t, you wouldn’t like them. Now, how will you find out? You’ll find out eventually. You might find out like this one woman did, who showed up at my door, at two in the morning. Two in the morning, my door bell’s ringing. It’s pouring rain outside. And this woman, eight months pregnant, crying. I said, come in, come in, sat her down in a chair. What’s going on? I didn’t know how she got there, but she told me that her mother had been in a workshop with me a month before, and she’d just called her mother up to tell her about what happened and her mother said: oh, there’s a man in your town, that you might want to go and talk to. So that’s how this woman shows up at my door at two in the morning. Now, what was the problem? Earlier, she said: I just made a little request to my husband and he said: get out! We’ve been married eight years and he’s always been so loving, so kind. He’s done everything I want, and now he says get out! Already I knew what the problem was. He was a yes saying jackal. He hears somebody he loves wants something and he feels he has to do it to buy love. To prove that he’s a loving person. And so, how does she find this out? It took eight years, but then she pays for it one night. I know I was right. How do I know I was right? I got him out of bed. Why should I be up at two in the morning talking to his wife while he’s sleeping? So, I call him up and invite him over and sure enough, you see, he was a yes saying jackal. He just didn’t know how to say know, so he’d been giving in, you know for all these years, and finally this night he snapped. So that’s how you find out. After eight years she found out that he was hearing demands, and lovingly giving into them. You certainly don’t want to ever receive those messages. Any one of what you’ve just responded to. You never want to hear, what the other person thinks.